Cause our Faith to Rise

You crossed the finish line of another year, but I'm the one who's out of breath, heart racing, and legs about to give way. It's been a rough one, hasn't it? But we made it with God's help.

You keep this mama on her toes occasionally, but more often on her heels, struggling to catch up.

It's not lost on me that you are the first baby we really waited for, begged God for, and didn't take for granted. You are the baby whose first cry helped dry my tears of the previous two years of losses and longing. And the one who has since brought me to tears of desperation as we seek to shape you and lead you to Jesus.

You. The baby I cradled with grateful awe. The baby I'd risk waking up at night to pick up and snuggle, just because you were actually there.

You. The baby God would use to bring us to our knees in humble submission. And keep us there ever since.

You. The baby whose eye lashes I watched unfold and whose eyes I can read like a book. And it's always a complex action adventure, full of unexpected and eventful twists.

You. The baby who has shown me my lack of patience, selflessness, love, wisdom, and understanding of the gospel, and my abundance of pride, selfish ambition, fear, and weakness.

You are our answer to prayer. The gift of our longing. The tester of our faith. The reminder of God's faithfulness and care even when darkness seemed to hide his face.

God knew we would need this visual testimony of your life through the years as we parent you. He knew we would need to remember in all of our teaching you, correcting you, loving you, and training you in righteousness, that what we really need is to glance at you but gaze at him. And as we glance and see all the nuances of fallenness surface from your heart, they should serve to help our faith rise and our eyes linger over the reminders of his power to bring life from death, abundance from emptiness, joy from pain, and answers after silence.

We need this witness of your life, Ruby Jean, and so do others. It's my prayer today that I wouldn't waste it...and that you wouldn't either. So even though I'm still catching my breath, I guess we're off again, racing into another year!

"Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." (Hebrews 12:2)

Happy 6th Birthday to the baby who is the substance of what we hoped for and the evidence that what we see definitely isn't all there is.

 

 

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Rock of Ages When the Year is Long

So you have the audacity to go ahead and turn another year older, do you? In motherly determination, I push deep and try not to feel the angst. It's hard for me this year, I'm not going to lie. Maybe it's because my soul was dripping wet with thousands of tears and hung out to dry these past weeks. Maybe it's because a new church has rushed into our lives like the wind, blowing everywhere kindness and love and I'm left spinning in the reality of overwhelming grace. Maybe it's because I've been caught up in the chaos of the past twelve months and my earth has quaked and who says God never speaks in those? Because if he doesn't speak in the tumult what good is his speaking at all? Sometimes I need him in the still but most of the time I need him in the noise. And He's been there. I've heard him over it all...when I've listened.

Maybe it's because in the quaking, I've wondered where this year has crumbled and gone and what my investments have been and I've wished for a do-over. A year of quiet. A year filled with snuggles and meaningful memories. A year of steadiness and handling the distractions better. A year of schedule and predictability. Instead we've gotten a year of upheaval and unexpected change. Adoption paperwork and meetings and grant applications and fundraisers and an untimely funeral and interviews and a survey trip and a new school and a candidacy and speaking engagements and a move.

And what happened to that schedule posted on the board that can become my idol? It became my idol, that's what. And what happened to those lingering breakfasts around the table talking catechism and rehearsing for unlimited minutes how the gospel applies to anything and everything? Those minutes got cut short because it took more time to put on armor this year. What happened to the reading corner and the table time and the limit of a short half-hour recorded TV program per day? They turned into grabbing a book when we could, multitasking by playing a game over lunch, and more TV than is probably healthy for a three-year-old.

So here we are, supposed to be celebrating another year of your life and I'm the one throwing a toddler's tantrum inside. Not ready for more change. Not ready to let these past months go because they aren't what I wanted for you...for us.

But once again, God. He's here. And I have to remind myself that he changes everything because he changes me. You know what the funny thing is, Son? He changes everything by never changing a thing about himself. Look outside at that grass. It grows and will be taller tomorrow than it is today. And see those flowers pretty and bright? Look again the next day and their beauty will fade. Stare your mama in the face in a few months and you'll see laugh lines plunging deeper and wispy gray hairs refusing to keep on their mask. But in all of this change, he never changes. The mountains can quake and crumble into the sea and so can my heart, and our schedule, and our life as we know it. But not him. Who is a rock except our God? To him we can run and find safety.

And you need to do that. You've made a hotel room your bed for three weeks now and before that slept in a sleeping bag for awhile in a bare room that used to feel like home. And the God-man knows a little something about make-shift housing, with animals bleating and living like he wasn't staying here for long. And he wasn't. Because he moved and left his home in heaven - talk about a transition - to come get us, so you and I might have a home there with him. He was a perfect boy for you because he knew your biggest problem isn't your imperfect mom who lets you down, but your sinful heart that's already let him down. And his character never changed. He grew on to be a perfect teenager, never sneaking out at night or clamming up in rebellious apathy or looking girls up and down lustfully. He became a perfect man, always doing his Father's will even when that bitter cup was so hard to swallow, he drank it down obediently. And, Son, he became sin and his Father forsook him for a time so you could become righteous and have an unbroken relationship with that Father in heaven. And, oh, how these truths bring comfort! Mending disappointing relationships, restoring a home, forgiving sin, washing away regret in redemption. A God who lived through the fire and flood and so promises to walk with us through them too. What great hope we have for the year ahead!

But tumult can leave a bruise, and your mama's going to look at this black and blue often and remember. I'll remember our home isn't really on Connie anymore than it was on Keppen. The people we want to be like roamed around in tents and this world wasn't even worthy of them. So what am I really living for anyway? Order doesn't come from having pictures on the walls and your own bed to sleep in. Obedience gives order. First things first. And my success as a mom isn't in our schedule or books read or unlimited hours of instruction or limited hours of technology. My success as a mom is found in Christ's success for me. He is all I am not, and will never be, regardless of how peaceful and pretty my circumstances are.

As I hear you sleeping soundly and breathing heavily just a few feet away from me and your dad in this, our {always} temporary home, I admit to you I don't know what your fourth year holds. But I guess that doesn't matter so much after all, does it? He's got us and he says he always will. That's something we can count on. So let's put our roots down there deep in the Word. Because those promises? They're never going to change.

 

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Another Week

Easter bunny craft since we didn't want to end up with a PAAS-dyed hotel room.

Hotel living has its perks!

Thankful for Netflix:)

Can't get over this gorgeous view we enjoy while running errands.

Sweet new friends reaching out to us and our kids...

Ruby asked when we were going to get her one?!

Water gun fights

And wagon rides

Progress on our house...

Last week we were tearing down walls and this week we're raising up floors.

Church friends using their painting talents. This is the early stage of the girls' flamingo room. (I know, I know! I've fallen hard for palm trees and, yes, flamingos!)

 

New series Matt started at OPBC today

Thanks for praying for us!

 

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Home Sweet Hotel

We've been in Jacksonville almost a week now. We have received an overwhelmingly warm welcome from our OPBC family. They've been keeping us well-fed as we set up house in the local Holiday Inn for awhile until our home is move-in ready.

Here are a few pics of our new area.

Our church building

Holy Week activities hotel style. Thank you, Bailey family, for the supplies making this possible!

Our new house after 2 walls were removed. (Insert corny joke about the first of many walls we hope to break down in JAX.)

Our things arrived safely from MI on Monday. The movers and construction workers warned us about all the ant hills on our sidewalk, driveway, and in our yard. Apparently ants bite in FL?!

Stella's Florida-ready flip-flop clad feet

Alone time in the hotel room is hard to come by. Stella hides behind the curtains and creates her own window seat. Here she is reading Little Women. She's loving it, Oginsky family! :)

Oh, Ruby!

Schaeffer with his bunny, affectionately named "Nothing." Thank you, Brown family!

 

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God's Wisdom on Display - Final Part

I've been reading through Hebrews 11 lately. Some recongize this chapter as the "Hall of Faith" because it catalogs acts of faith God enabled his people to do through the ages. My heart resonated with the final verses when the author, clearly overwhelmed with God's equipping his servants to perform all he asks, says, "And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell of Gideon, Barak..." and the list goes on.

I've spent the last weeks cataloging, from my perspective, some of the ways God has shown his great wisdom in our lives through the faith of the people at CBC. But we have run out of Sundays there, and time fails me to tell so much more. However, I have saved a very special family for last, because without them, none of the other posts would've been possible.

Over twelve years ago, Pastor Ken, Kim, Laynie, and Anna, set out to plant a church in the downriver area that would break down the unnecessary objections unchurched people had to church, so they could be reached with the life changing gospel of Jesus. Pastor Ken started with a clear vision of where CBC was headed and a plan to get there. The small handful of people who sat in the launch meeting that first night, has now grown to a vibrant, diverse, healthy church of over 300 people.

Matt and I moved here during CBC's first years as a church plant. I had the blessing of getting to know Kim as she exercised at the Curves where I worked. We made a quick connection then, having no idea how closely God would unite our paths in the future. Really, I had absolutely no idea, the new acquaintance I loved talking to a few mornings a week, would become as close as a sister and someone upon whom I would lean heavily to get me through the early years as a mom of three and learning the ropes of helping my husband in ministry. I cannot count the times she came to my side with meals, inexhaustable love for my babies, wise advise spiritually and practically, a humble example, words of encouragement, fervent prayer, and a heart so quick to serve. She has shared her own daughters with us and the 5 kids together have such a close bond. They are like family to us.

And although we didn't know it would happen, he certainly did. He knows the plans he has for us and has led us each step of the way. As we sat in the Browns' living room last week, we recounted with them how God has used CBC in our lives in general, and their family in our lives, in particular. Matt wasn't using hyperbole when he told them our time spent with them has been just as valuable, if not more valuable, than his time spent in seminary getting his Master of Divinity degree. We needed to be at CBC these past years and we needed their input in our lives. We needed to think through the philosphy of ministry at CBC and we needed the practice of doing ministry through that grid. It was essential for our own personal growth in the Lord and for our helping others follow him as well. We leave, not just with invaluable experience, but with full hearts. We can't give what we don't have, and Pastor Ken and Kim, and Laynie and Anna, and all of CBC by following your example, have given us much, so in turn we can keep giving.

And we are ready to do just that, at our new church, Orange Park Bible Church. The words Pastor Ken preached last week rang in my ears even this morning as I repreached them to myself, "We do what we do because he is worth it. And as we show his worth, we show his glory."

So we are here because he is worth it. And we want to keep grasping, together with all the saints, now those at OPBC, "how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that we may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:18, 19)

Just as we needed to be at CBC, now we need to be here at OPBC. So let's do this for his glory!

 

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God's Wisdom on Display - Part 3

Sunday was our last day singing in the Worship Music Ensemble. One of my favorite things about singing in ensemble is that we get to look at everyone while we sing. To me (although I know not many would be comfortable with this!) it is the perfect way to apply the "to one another" from Ephesians 5:19. "Speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit." I like the idea that I am actually saying the words of the songs to specific people in our congregation, face to face, just as I do when I am in a conversation with someone, encouraging her in her worship of Jesus in whatever circumstances she finds herself. For instance, I love the line from "Glorious Christ" that says, "And all will be made right when You appear." When we sing that, I always try to look for specific people I know need reminded that endurance is worth it. That the injustices they are suffering will be righted in the end because Jesus who died will most certainly have his justice satisfied.

So Sunday, instead of melting in a heap of tears like I was tempted, I intentionally looked out at everyone and allowed their different stories to run through my mind. Their sometimes bleak, but still, so full-of-hope stories we've had the privilege of being part. I saw them offering worship with what I knew were broken hearts, mended hearts, skeptical hearts, believing hearts, hard hearts, distracted hearts, struggling hearts, and changed hearts and I didn't want to forget a second of it. I heard their singing and wanted the sound never to stop ringing in my ears, filling my soul, and being implanted in my mind. I wanted to remember their faces and the grace that had brought them safely to that point in their stories on Sunday, March 30, 2014. Because, although God isn't at all done writing their stories, he's phasing us out of them, and I don't want to forget where they were when we left so someday I can glory with them in all he wrote after us.

A few of the stories I will remember are these ladies'.

I've watched these ladies on our Leadership Wives Team through the years and intensely observed their lives. We've shared burdens some others might never know. We've prayed for each other and seen God answer prayer. Being the youngest in the group, I have gleaned wisdom beyond my years. I thank God for each of these women and the ministry they have had informally teaching me reverence, self-control, to love my husband and children through each very different and sometimes heartbreaking season, to be busy serving (even in the retirement years), to be kind and selfless, and not to be anxious even in financial hardship. Thank you ladies for letting your good deeds recommend the Word in my life. You've lived out Titus 2 right before my eyes!

 

And we know these people's stories reeeaaaally well. :)

At one point, we joked that every member of the Crossroads class had fallen asleep at our house at some point in time for some reason or another. We have had so much fun together eating, bowling, retreating, birthday partying, frisbee golfing, picnicing, concerting, laser tagging, and the list goes on. We've been with them through the "we either need to get married or break up" relationship phases, and then the "I'm crying so hard my heart is absolutely broken" phases, and the too long "I just wish I was dating enough to risk having my heart broken" phases. The first wedding ceremony Matt had the privilege of performing was for a close friend and Crossroads class member. The first wedding in which Stella was a flower girl was for another Crossroads friend. They helped us get ready for our next babies by watching our kids so we could paint or organize or have a date night and surprised me with a generous baby shower. They've faithfully prayed with us at an abortion clinic that we saw close its doors! I won't rewrite what I've already said here about the profound way these people have shown us Jesus and helped make us more like him. But please read it and remember that your familial status, yes, even in the church, doesn't matter one bit when it comes to God's using you for his glory. We have been changed because of spending the last several years serving with you. We love you like we love our own children. Seriously.

We are eager for God to keep writing the story of your lives with all the bumps, turns, and adventures that involves. Remember, as we studied in our A Praying Life series, that although we don't know how he'll get us there, we know it will be a happy ending. In fact, it will be even greater than we can conceive!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen!" (Ephesians 3:20, 21)

 

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God's Wisdom on Display - Part 2

I remember sitting in a class on 1 and 2 Corinthians in college and realizing for the first time that God designed the church so there would be unity amongst diversity. I think then, I mostly saw that truth in the context of spiritual gifts - that he dispersed differing gifts to each member of the body for the benefit of the whole. Of course, that's a big part of it. But, I don't know that I really caught a glimpse of and began to experience the full benefit of a church living in true gospel unity until these past few years.

I Can't Grow Without Them

When we first came to CBC, we were eager to get involved in a community group. From the beginning, we loved the close fellowship the small group format afforded. It provided a quick way for us to get assimilated in our new church home. It didn't take me long though, to love community group not just for the practical reasons of friendship and opportunity for service, but because I realized that I honestly couldn't grow spiritually without it. And I mean that - I couldn't grow spiritually without community groups. That's a bold statement, so let me explain.

It has been said that Christian people are often educated far above their level of obedience. In fact, many churches follow an educational model of ministry that views its purpose to be primarily about teaching - Sunday School, Sunday Morning Worship, Sunday evening worship, and Wednesday evening service. Obviously preaching and teaching are vital. In the New Testament, Paul exhorts Timothy to "preach the Word." But, our functioning as a church goes beyond sitting in a pew and gaining more and more knowledge. James warns us, "Do not merely listen to the Word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says!" At some point, we have to start connecting the dots between what we believe and how it effects our lives on Monday morning when we're late for work, angry at our spouse, and overwhelmed by our to do list. If we aren't applying God's Word, James says we are in danger of being deceived. Deceived about what? Well, deceived about what we really look like spiritually. Deceived about our maturity and our growth in Christlikeness. And that's where I was a few years ago. I was well educated and versed in the Scriptures, but lagging behind in some significant ways because I wasn't equipped to skillfully apply God's Word to my life and wasn't benefiting from seeing others do it too. So I needed the application oriented nature of community groups to spotlight those dark corners of my heart that I didn't really want to deal with. But when I heard others humbly working through how fleshing out a certain truth from the previous week's sermon applied to them in their specific situation of widowhood, single-parenting, stressful work circumstances, or different ethinic context, the Holy Spirit chipped away at my pride and kept me from deceiving myself into thinking I'm not a desperately wicked sinner with a lot of baggage to boot too. And that environment created a humble, interdependence among us.

I'm thankful for a church where it's safe to be a sinner. I have needed the people in our community group these past years. I've needed their struggles, their transparency, and their gospel determination to grow. I have needed the benefit and sharpening effect week after week of living closely with people whom I have little to absolutely nothing else in common but Christ. I trust I am a more mature Christian now because sharing in their life experiences has had a completing effect on me and my spiritual perspective.

After a tearful prayer time during our last meeting a few weeks back, I looked around as people started to disperse. Jan was gathering plates and cups to throw away. Dave was taking out the trash and telling me he used the last trash bag, even reminding me I needed to get more by leaving the empty box on our counter. Carol was in the kitchen shutting off the oven I had absent mindedly left on for the past hour. I saw the beauty around me of a body selflessly caring for each other and realized we really were functioning like a family. We have spent the last several years together learning each other's preferences and carrying each other's heavy loads and it has made us love each other more than ourselves. That's true gospel unity.

I Can Sing Harmony With Them

We have been blessed to have the Taylor family as part of our community group for about 3 years and they have added a deeper dimension to our gathering. Hope became a fast friend and we have shared suffering and sins, triumphs and trip-ups more times than I can count. We've wept bitter tears because we know too well that life is a battlefield even starting at birth. But we've rejoiced in great healing grace since, although we aren't there yet, he's taking us there. And I've confessed to her any step forward I take in my sanctification is with a limp. She knows what I mean. She been around my heart a time or two and loves me still and keeps raising the banner.

She's of African decent with some Native American ancestry represented too. And in addition to everything else we've discussed, she and I, along with our community group as a whole on occasion, have had very candid conversations about ethnicity. So, Hope, my precious sister and dear heart-to-heart friend, this is for you.

Piper says he prefers the term racial harmony over racial reconciliation. And I have to agree with him. But what that doesn't mean is that the majority culture sings the lead and the minority culture finds the harmony. Girl, you've taught me that and I hope by now you can hear me in the harmony. Better yet, I hope you know I can play the background.

I was against racism before I met you. But you have given my fight against racism a face. Employees on the elevator can't ask you if your mammy put your hair in braids and expect me to take it. I'm not on their side just because my skin matches theirs. All our blood runs red and you and I have more in common because his red blood has run all over us. And so I listen and learn what it's like to be one of the only African American families in a white church. I hear Thabiti say, "It seems to me that the one thing my fellow White pastors routinely underestimate is the tremendous social and psychological costs African Americans pay to be a part of non-Black congregations." And I know you've counted the cost, my friend. You've taught me just as eloquently as Jasmine that black people aren't just black, but cinnamon, and chestnut, and bronze, and their eyes aren't just brown and their hair texture isn't just coarse.

So I'm proud when my baby girl draws a picture of an African American with hazel eyes and when she asks if your kids are her cousins. And some people say Christianity isn't about unity of the ethnicities, but if it's not about that what in the world is it about? Because the last I read, the gospel is being preached to all the nations so one big diverse throng will be gathered before Him on that glorious day when some will realize they might do away with affirmative action but God has never needed it. Guess we better get used to harmonizing because in heaven the Lamb is all the glory and we'll be playing background together with all of our fair and taupe, cinnamon, ebony, and beige hands raised to Him. And we'll cry:

“Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!” (Revelation 7:10)

We've already started, you and me and Matt and Andre, Carol, Jim, Wes, Jan, and Daynah, Marcy, Mark, Phil, Nancy, Kim, Dave, Amanda, Betty, Liz, and Rachel. And although our song is about to have an interlude, there are more people he has in this city for you guys to reach and for us to reach in our new one. There are more barriers of sins like racism and self-centeredness that the gospel is going to obliterate because that's how powerful it is when we are on our 1-1-6. And I can't wait until we are reunited and can see how our family has grown! Then we'll be in our true home that he's preparing for us all - not in Michigan, not in Florida, but in heaven. Maybe Dave will still be taking out the trash and Carol and Jan will be helping in the kitchen. Regardless, there won't be any parting there, no sad good byes to share. And together we will be with the Lord forever!

 

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God's Wisdom on Display - Part 1

I don't mean to be melodramatic when I say that as each day passes, my heart gets heavier and the growing lump in my throat makes it harder to swallow. We're down to just three more Sundays at CBC. I can't even type those words without tears.

As I sort through things to pack, our possessions, although not worth much to many, I see tangible ways God's great love has been shown to us through his church. There are the clothes for our kids, a much loved CD, a favorite toy, many books, and the scarf I wore today...gifts from God's people to our family. Those small things are treasures to us because we treasure the people behind the gifts.

The couch with stains where Phil spilled his coffee, and our table where David copied down a phone number and the numbers transferred through his paper into our tabletop. The chairs Vin and Melissa sat in when they told us they were expecting Aurora. The sectional that's absorbed the jumps of Krisalyn and Olivia's little feet. Everywhere I look, I am reminded that our lives have been tied tightly and eternally with people God loves, has given us to love, and from whom we've received so much love. And it hurts to think of those ties being loosened by miles that will separate.

"God's intent was that now, through the church, [His] manifold wisdom might be made known." (Ephesians 3:10)

The church was a marvelous plan - God's plan - to put His wisdom on display. These past years at CBC, we have been blown away by the numerous times and ways God has shown us how wise he is. We've had front row seats seeing God at work in people's lives. There's nothing more exciting than being part of God's church. What a privilege it is to be married to a pastor and help him do the work of the ministry. More often than not, after church people leave our house for one thing or another, I want to crank up "Behold Our God" and fall down in worship before him. He is good. And loving. And powerful. And wise. We've seen it over and over and it never stops making our jaws drop and our fingers point to the God who alone does great wonders.

So, as these next weeks wind down, I hope to highlight just a few ways God has used CBC to put His wisdom on display for our family, so you too can behold our great God!

Here are a few things from our service today.

Matt's friend and Cassie's husband, Carl, got baptized today. Carl is a former athiest whose life has started being drastically changed by the gospel these past six months. You should hear this guy articulate the gospel and see his passion for Christ's glory!

Buried in his likeness...

And raised to walk in newness of life! "Go 'Acts' on the world, Carl!" (Inside joke. But, if you've read the book of Acts, you'll get it!)

And Nolan, a college student, joined our church in membership today. When many of his peers are leaving the faith, he sees the importance of choosing the right road, at this crossroads of his life.

Our God is indeed great!

 

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