Draw Me Nearer

I was driving home from a piano lesson the summer we started dating and noticed that even on an overcast day the world around me seemed more beautiful than I had observed before. It occurred to me that it was the experience of our new love that opened my eyes to see things with a radiance I had previously missed.

Even then in our younger, immature love, I knew God was the ultimate reason for this newfound wonder I had for the scenery I beheld. I thought of the hymn lyrics:

"Heav’n above is softer blue, Earth around is sweeter green!

Something lives in every hue Christless eyes have never seen," 

and acknowledged it was because of Jesus' love for me that I could experience fully the life-changing, all-encompassing human joy of loving and being loved. I was already learning something of what it was like to be yours and have you as mine and all the pleasure exclusive love could bring.

Amazingly, fifteen years later, I continue to see the world around me differently because of you. Your love is constantly changing me. It helps keep me from cynicism and despair. It helps me have hope in times of fear and trial. It softens my heart and disarms me when I'm ready to fight and yet it calls me to take up arms and make war when I need to. It helps me face things I'd rather run from and overall continues to plummet me to depths of joy I didn't know were humanly possible. 

I know my experience of our covenant love is a tangible expression of God's loyal, faithful love for me because your love is in the image of his love. And tasting and seeing your goodness and kindness to me and enjoying the benefits of your love for me doesn't make me worship you, it makes my heart collapse in praise and adoration of him.

Because the older I get and the longer we're married, I see more of who I really am. And I know I don't deserve the honor you give me and the love you show me. I know I have not earned the thoughtful things you do for me and the selflessness with which you serve me. I've disappointingly found I'm not really as lovable as I originally thought. 

So my soul continues to be awakened to the fact that, because of you, I see more of what the Author of Grace is like, and because of you, I know his love better.

The truth is, this doesn't happen because you've reached a certain plateau of spirituality. It happens primarily because you have been conquered by a love that's greater than mine. You've been loved with a love greater than anything a woman can offer and it has humbled you and you have submitted to it and it has kept you near to him.

So the effort you put forth and your daily choice of loving me through fifteen years of marriage is evidence of your submission to him and the cords of his love that have tightly bound you to him. That's something the "ball and chain" of marriage can't accomplish. And you know I've tried it.

So as joyful as my experience of our love is, it makes me crave the Perfection of its source. It makes me know there is even more love and joy than we've had. And that truth is astounding! There are heights to it and depths of it we will one day know completely and it only makes sense we will get to experience it together there, overwhelmed, undone, and awe-filled!

On that day when I am presented before him holy and blameless, I'll then know fully a fraction of what I know now - I have been loved with a faithful love I could never earn and certainly don't deserve. 

May he continue to draw us nearer and prepare us better for that day. Happy 15th Anniversary, my joy and my love!

Still Counting the Days

You walked across the stage several times yesterday getting 6th grade academic awards ranking you, in various subjects, at the top of your class of over 100 kids. Your elementary years are over and you are headed to one of the public junior high schools near us, having been invited into their accelerated learning track for the fall. 

It seems like I just closed my laptop after writing this post, and then reopened it to write this one. But here we are 6-7 years later and although much has changed, one thing hasn’t changed. We’re still counting the days, in a sense, for the sole purpose of showing that we have a God on whom we can count.

Since Kindergarten, you have attended 3 different schools in 2 different states and been taught with 4 different educational approaches. You’ve experienced the highs and lows of Christian school, home school, Montessori school, and public school. God has used these many changes and challenges to shape you and, by his grace, you have responded.

I really mean that. Any successes you can claim, whether academically or produced in your character, are all of God's grace. Ten years ago I would’ve said that but secretly patted myself on the back for doing a pretty good job of making you who you are.

I see myself in you. And it’s in those times that I pray he will increase in you and I will decrease. Because I want you to resemble me only in the ways I resemble him.

You look like me (and your Ammy), there’s no doubt about that. And when I hear people tell you, as they have me, that your smile lights up a room, it makes me happy. But Stella, I want you to look most like Him. I want to see him in your attitude and actions when you’re frustrated, when you’re excited, when you're interacting with others, when you’re disappointed, when you’re ambitious. I want to see your life continue to take the shape of his because your heart is his.

So, after the program yesterday, when goodbyes were being said, and the awards were being stacked, and one of your teachers unexpectedly pulled me aside to tell me that he knew you were a Christian and could see you living your faith in a real way this year, I praised God. I praised God because I know the struggle you’ve had being a light in a sometimes dark place.  I praised him because I knew this was something your dad and I didn’t directly have control over. This was Jesus in you, shining through you, using your life to make him look great. 

Stella, we are so proud of your hard work and accomplishments and are rejoicing with you as you look forward to this next step educationally. And although there are many things you could boast about from your academic successes these past 7 years of elementary school,

“This is what the Lord says:
‘Let not the wise boast of their wisdom
or the strong boast of their strength
or the rich boast of their riches,
but let the one who boasts boast about this:
that they have the understanding to know me,
that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
justice and righteousness on earth,
for in these I delight.'”(Jeremiah 9:23, 24)