For the past several years we've been living in the joy of
gospel-centeredness. We've rediscovered through sermons, books, and a growing
understanding of Scripture that the gospel really isn't just for the unbeliever
but is something for the seasoned Christian too. Gospel-centeredness isn't
necessarily a new concept. Jerry Bridges says he started writing about it after
reading the Puritans. For us, it has helped us, piece by piece, reorient
our thinking on how we identify sin at its root and do battle with it in our
lives. Positively, it has involved our realizing where our hope lies, what our
motivations are for sanctification, and what our identity with Christ has to do
with all of it.
As is the case most of the time with my growth, I grasp certain truths
intellectually before I begin to flesh them out. For example, it has been easy
for me to confess that I need the gospel everyday as much as the day I first
believed it. And I do affirm that truth wholeheartedly. But if you asked me what
exactly that meant and what it looked like in my life, I wouldn't have been
able to articulate it completely. Until recently.
Our Crossroads class is winding down the study, The Gospel-Centered Life. It has
provided me with the nuts and bolts of what it looks like to apply the gospel
to my daily life and effectively address my need for it. Yesterday was one of
those days that God provided a multitude of opportunities for application.
Everything was fine in the early morning hours while I was reading my Bible
and praying. No one was opposing me and I was feeling oh so spiritual. Then I
heard creaks in the floor above me. Immediately my heart started racing - in
anger, not fear - well, maybe a little (OK, a lot) of both! Was it Matt walking
around (in my opinion, loudly) on our creaky floors? Was he going to wake up
the kids? Or worse, were the kids up already?! I tried to regain focus, but I
was too annoyed to benefit much more.
So, I came upstairs and discovered my greatest fear - the kids were indeed
awake. Being the godly wife I am (note sarcasm), I asked (which involved a
little asking mixed in with a lot of accusation...you know, trying to be
gentle, but not quite submitting to the Spirit enough to make it all the way to
gentleness) Matt if he accidentally woke up the kids. For the record he did
not, but that didn't change the fact that they were now awake and I had yet to
take a shower.
I'll spare you all the gory details, but the day was one of catastrophic
failure. As spiritual as I had felt in the early morning hours, I felt
that unspiritual as the day went on. Yes, I asked my kids to forgive me
throughout the day for losing my temper and not opening my mouth in wisdom and
kindness, but I still had issues. Big ones.
Later in the afternoon it culminated with Stella handing me a note (I can
only assume the poor girl was scared to talk to me and I don't blame her!)
saying, "I'm sorry you're having a bad day."
It was dinnertime. Matt was studying through dinner for his class that
night, so I was forced to approach God in prayer and thank Him for providing
our food for us. Instead of just intellectually confessing I needed the gospel,
every fiber of my being was crying out that I needed the gospel! In fact, I
knew I couldn't go on without it. So I stood over my kids with my head bowed
low and applied what I had been learning.
I confessed my sin. The root of my sin wasn't my anger or my words, but the
fact that I had been idolizing my own time, a quiet house, peaceful sibling
interactions, immediate obedience, and no interruptions. I wanted to have an
easy day without frustration. I loved my ideal for how the day should go rather
than God's will for me. That was my sin. I repented, turning from my sin to
Jesus, who walked through this frustrating world, full of interpersonal
problems, without sinning. I found my hope, not in my resolve to do better or
in my guilt over doing poorly, but in His perfection. He overcame the
temptations I had given into all day, and actively applied His victory to my
life. I was humbled and thankful.
My problems weren't over when I finished praying though. I knew I would be
confronted with yet another temptation - the temptation to find comfort in
something apart from Jesus. I would try to perform (put into action a
flurry of activity to make up for the way I had behaved all day) or pretend (plaster
on the plastic Christian smile that communicates, "My life is
perfect." and "Sin?! What's that?!"). But instead I stayed at
the cross knowing HE had paid for my sin and I couldn't add any works to what
He had done. His suffering for my sin was sufficient. It satisfied God. I
didn't need to try to satisfy God by paying for my own sin. Jesus' payment was
enough. I was forgiven. Period. Again humility and thankfulness flooded over
me. I abandoned my performing and pretending and basked in God's grace to me.
And that grace didn't make my attitude toward my sin a careless one. That grace
made me hate my sin for what it cost Jesus. It made me want to stay hidden in
His work for me and let His wounds provide the double cure I needed - saving me
from His wrath and making me pure.
So I continued through the night dependent on His grace, freed to obey Him!
I wish I could say yesterday was an unusual day. The truth is though, today
hasn't been much different. Yes, some days are more peaceful than others and go
somewhat according to how I plan them, but my heart has a war raging within it
that is rarely at peace. So today I find myself starting the same cycle over.
What am I idolizing that is causing me to sin? Repent. Hide myself in Jesus'
perfect life and sufficient death. Stay there. Don't try to perform or pretend.
Let His freely poured out grace be the motivation that helps me freely obey.
Repeat...repeat...repeat...until He returns or calls me home.
Your life circumstances might have you out of the home, but if you're like
me, regardless of your circumstances, there are idols your heart is embracing
and trials and temptations you're facing too. There's room at the cross for
you. Find me when you get there and we'll repent and worship together. And come
look for me if I'm not there, because I can guarantee I need to be!
