2015: Walking Forward with a Limp

Lunches packed, backpacks zipped, and the girls buckled in. Matt pulls the van out of the garage this morning as "Speak Life" blares through the speakers. He's doing his own cheorgraphy to make Ruby laugh. We're all forced smiles and silly dancing to hide our sadness that the time has come for our family to go our separate ways once again. Nineteen and a half days of science experiements, easy baking in the new oven, ninja swords slashing, library bags stuffed full of the allotted 25 books checked out per card, more sweets and late mornings and nights than we see any other time of the year. It. was. wonderful.

Days with this girl whose precociousness was cute at age 7 but is something else at age 9. ;)

She and I are BFFs we say, and we are, but she likes her new Justice clothes too and is excited to wear them back to school. She's reading Heaven for Kids and I pulled it off her bed today and couldn't help but thank God for the way she's marking it up and I murmer a quick prayer that it will sink down deep too.

Endless hours with this one.

She's a lot of bark and some bite. But she curls up on my lap at 6 1/2 still like she did when she was 3 and watches "Night at the Museum." She has some tears last night about going back to school and I take her in my arms and we run to Jesus together. I wish it wouldn't have taken me almost 10 years into parenting to learn to talk about him, yes, but to him more. Every time she fears, we call to him. Where does your help come from, Ruby? Your help comes from the Lord. Hear it. Believe it. Live like it, precious girl.

And then the one I get to be with all the time for awhile longer.

He melts this mama to mush with that smile and tender heart. We pass a boy in the grocery store with his arm in a sling and Schaeffer wants to stop and pray for him. So we do. He hears an ambulance and says, "Mama, shouldn't we pray about them?" So we do. Son, where else would we go, but to him? Surely his ear is not too dull to hear and his arm not too short to save.

Today, I'm tempted to curse time that takes my babies from me and pushes us too quickly back into our routine. But although time takes, today it also gives. So, I gather my heavy heart and move forward to do the next thing.

I move forward though, with a limp. Some are charging into 2015 full steam ahead. I wish I could, but charging isn't for me. John Piper said, "Any progress forward we make in this life is with a limp."

And, oh, how I feel it! It's humbling, this limp is. It reminds me of the times these past months that I've wrestled with God, like Jacob. "Not your will, but mine be done," I've said. And he gently reminds me, like my wise grandpa did, that you can't whip God. So instead I whisper, "Yes, Lord," and trust and struggle up, not quite the same.

It reminds me of the same sins I'm wrestling with in this wandering heart of mine, some for weeks, months, and years past. The battle is tiring, not because I'm always fighting as hard as I should, but because the fight just never lets up.

And, it reminds me how much I need others to help me on to God.

This man.

Yes, him. He limps too, he'll tell you. Especially when he looks at his "To Do" list every day, and even more on Sunday mornings when the Word weighs so heavy on him it just might crush him and he thinks what in the world is man, entrusted to handle truths so great? Yes, this man, whose chest I can't touch because the beating there only reminds me of his mortality, and it's too much to bear. Yes, this man, that I'm called to help. Some helper I am with my debilitating limp. But he understands and gives me a knowing glance as we link our arms of flesh that certainly will fail us and lean hard on the One who never will.

And these ones.

How quickly they've won a place in our hearts! There have been some trials and tears and many laughs and new experiences already that have bonded us together. The shepherd, I know him, he's a loving pastor, a faithful doer, and an intentional and careful dreamer, and we are following and growing. They know about our limp and they love us still. They've even bravely shared that they too, walk with one. So we promise together to hold each other up and help each other home.

Walking forward into 2015, then, I ask - we ask - God to do things in our lives and our church that can only be explained by the fact that he's a great God who loves and uses weak, feeble, and even limping sinners for his glory.

"Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts!" (Isaiah 26:8)

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*I wrote this yesterday, but am just getting it posted today.

**Thanks to RJ and Emily Vergara for some of the (better) photos in this entry.

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No Turning Back

Our lives met that summer. Paths crossed and eyes locked. Love tiptoed in and grabbed hold of our hearts and turned them right over. Although everything seemed just perfect when we'd met for lunch, counting the hours until we could talk or see each other again. Trying as hard and we could to be reasonable about this whole relationship thing. Yeah. Like that happened. Then you put a diamond on it in November. And the rest is a flurry of white satin, fresh calla lilies, and covenant-making, with fondant on top.

I threw what few things I had left at my mom's house into my suitcase that significant summer day and we loaded into my little Honda CX - now ours - and I followed you north without looking back. Instead, I looked...at you.

When you talked. When you ate. When you listened. When you didn't even know it. My eyes were fixed.

We had to start making a way in life - now ours - and sometimes it was as clumsy as a three-legged race...trying to work in tandum but tripping up and falling down and wondering if we'd ever move forward in this mission God had for you and me - now us.

When no one else saw us he did and in mercy he told us to take up our mess and walk.

"For that is what God is like. He is our God forever and ever, and He will guide us." (Psalm 48:14)

I met your people and they became my people. Your meat-loving appetite influenced me. And you even started to consider food from Panera to be a meal, not a snack. But what I began to notice wasn't that I was becoming more like you or you were becoming like me but that we were becoming us...a whole new unity...not completely you and not completely me, but absolutely right.

Almost without noticing, we were moving forward together without struggle, not even always side by side. And that was fine. We had a mutual trust and a deeper understanding that freed us to do what we needed. Still my eye would catch yours across the room and you'd throw me a heart-melting wink and our world would stop momentarily - eyes still fixed. But then my people, your people, our people...all His people. We were on mission.

Then it came time to leave those people and I found myself still looking at you. Not back. I chose you again over my comfort and familiar.

I hope you saw it in every box I packed, that I gladly gave it up for you. I hope you noticed it in every hard goodbye I said, that I loved you more. I know you did, because you know when a woman follows a man it doesn't mean she has forgotten the way or can't find it on her own. You know I'm on this path whether you're with me or not, and I know that's one of the reasons you love me. I'm not a tagalong. But following my Lord often shows itself most by my willingness to follow my man. And, I'm all in with you, Honey, no turning back.

 

To keep it real though, occasionally this path with you can feel about as spacious as a public transport in China. Is there really room for us both on here and are you sure you didn't miss your stop?! :)

But along with the narrowness, also comes a chance to widen my heart, to make room for more people to love and more love to grow for the same people, including you. Because God's love is an ocean and from my heart should flow waves of it reaching all He can through me.

Following also means I doubly feel the joy and pain of the path. We see the pain of our people and carry that pit in our stomachs along with them. We see the the Spirit drawing attention to Christ in someone's life and we have no greater joy! But too, I see my sin struggles and I see your sin struggles. I feel my need for the gospel but I also feel your need for the gospel. You struggle through a passage you're preaching on and to some degree I do too. We are united. When your heart gets cut mine bleeds. And when you smile my heart laughs.

Did anyone tell me marriage is borrowing another persons trouble and triumphs and gladly taking them as your own? Your sickness, your health, your poverty, your wealth. It's all mine too. Marriage is raw commitment. Following is counter-cultural.

But I've seen you forsake all you have to take me up with my sin struggles and untamed tongue and stunted fruit-bearing and wake up with my bed head and bad breath and it's beautiful. And I know you've carried my cross more than a time or two. Day after day it's a flesh and blood example to our kids of what Jesus did for them. It preaches to our neighbors that there is a better way - albeit not perfect - than the craziness of all the redefining the world's trying to do.

So, on your 35th birthday, I want to tell you I'll stay on this path with you and your people - our people. I'll cling to you and your happiness and heartaches like they're my own. I'll look your sin in the face and humble my proud heart, freeing you to need the gospel too, like you've done so many times for me. And I'll keep my eyes fixed on you, learning all I can from you, loving all there is to love about you. No turning back, no turning back.

 

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Already Not Yet

At our church's business meeting last Sunday, Matt gave a 3-month update since coming to OPBC. Overall, we are thankful for a smooth transition to life in Florida. In some ways, it seems like we just got here and in other ways, it feels like we've been here forever.

Just Got Here

The bugs. I thought it was only in Texas where everything is bigger, but I think that applies to FL too. We (and by we I mean I was in the same general vicinity when these things happened but as far away from said incidents as possible) killed our first snake, have rescued 2 huge bull frogs from our pool, and hired an exterminating service so we can sleep in relative peace knowing palmetto bugs aren't taking over our house while our eyes are closed.

Speaking of frogs, I thought our new neighbors were playing music with a booming bass like we were used to in MI. Then Matt informed me those were not the familiar sounds of raucous music, but of nature. Nature?! What's that?! We lie in bed at night listening to the serenade of frogs now. Can't decide which I dislike more, nature or human nature! ;)

A frog spying on us outside our living room door!

 

The sun is penetrating. I love seeing it shine in the sky from my air conditioned house, but it's heat is inescapably direct. The way MI cold chills you to the bone is the same way the FL heat cooks you to the core.

People are nice. Like really nice. In line at the store the clerks ask how you're doing and really care. The drivers aren't ready to pull a gun on you if you don't move the milisecond the light turns green. There's a general trustworthiness between neighbors and people in general. It is a welcome change.

Been Here Forever

Our church family. These people have opened their arms to us from the minute we set foot in the church. They have overwhelmed us with kindness and love and yet have given us room to adjust and space to transition. I even had some people thoughtfully say they were praying for me as we went back to MI for Matt's sisters wedding and then had to leave again, knowing how hard that would be. They have brought us meals, stocked our pantry, worked on our plumbing, tagged along for an IKEA road trip, painted walls, installed molding, invited to play dates, helped with demolition and retiling, mowed our grass, and in general have opened their hearts in friendship. They haven't made us "earn" their trust or held us at arms length until we prove we are who we say we are. Conversations flow easily and God has given us quick connections over everything from the people and books that have influenced us, to past sorrows and struggles, to the music we like. But most of all, God has united us around the Christ we love and serve. We are thankful for people who had been walking a distant but parallel path with us, now walking together, lives joined in a happy intersection. Blessed buds of promising friendships for the sake of his name.

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Another Week

Easter bunny craft since we didn't want to end up with a PAAS-dyed hotel room.

Hotel living has its perks!

Thankful for Netflix:)

Can't get over this gorgeous view we enjoy while running errands.

Sweet new friends reaching out to us and our kids...

Ruby asked when we were going to get her one?!

Water gun fights

And wagon rides

Progress on our house...

Last week we were tearing down walls and this week we're raising up floors.

Church friends using their painting talents. This is the early stage of the girls' flamingo room. (I know, I know! I've fallen hard for palm trees and, yes, flamingos!)

 

New series Matt started at OPBC today

Thanks for praying for us!

 

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God's Wisdom on Display - Final Part

I've been reading through Hebrews 11 lately. Some recongize this chapter as the "Hall of Faith" because it catalogs acts of faith God enabled his people to do through the ages. My heart resonated with the final verses when the author, clearly overwhelmed with God's equipping his servants to perform all he asks, says, "And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell of Gideon, Barak..." and the list goes on.

I've spent the last weeks cataloging, from my perspective, some of the ways God has shown his great wisdom in our lives through the faith of the people at CBC. But we have run out of Sundays there, and time fails me to tell so much more. However, I have saved a very special family for last, because without them, none of the other posts would've been possible.

Over twelve years ago, Pastor Ken, Kim, Laynie, and Anna, set out to plant a church in the downriver area that would break down the unnecessary objections unchurched people had to church, so they could be reached with the life changing gospel of Jesus. Pastor Ken started with a clear vision of where CBC was headed and a plan to get there. The small handful of people who sat in the launch meeting that first night, has now grown to a vibrant, diverse, healthy church of over 300 people.

Matt and I moved here during CBC's first years as a church plant. I had the blessing of getting to know Kim as she exercised at the Curves where I worked. We made a quick connection then, having no idea how closely God would unite our paths in the future. Really, I had absolutely no idea, the new acquaintance I loved talking to a few mornings a week, would become as close as a sister and someone upon whom I would lean heavily to get me through the early years as a mom of three and learning the ropes of helping my husband in ministry. I cannot count the times she came to my side with meals, inexhaustable love for my babies, wise advise spiritually and practically, a humble example, words of encouragement, fervent prayer, and a heart so quick to serve. She has shared her own daughters with us and the 5 kids together have such a close bond. They are like family to us.

And although we didn't know it would happen, he certainly did. He knows the plans he has for us and has led us each step of the way. As we sat in the Browns' living room last week, we recounted with them how God has used CBC in our lives in general, and their family in our lives, in particular. Matt wasn't using hyperbole when he told them our time spent with them has been just as valuable, if not more valuable, than his time spent in seminary getting his Master of Divinity degree. We needed to be at CBC these past years and we needed their input in our lives. We needed to think through the philosphy of ministry at CBC and we needed the practice of doing ministry through that grid. It was essential for our own personal growth in the Lord and for our helping others follow him as well. We leave, not just with invaluable experience, but with full hearts. We can't give what we don't have, and Pastor Ken and Kim, and Laynie and Anna, and all of CBC by following your example, have given us much, so in turn we can keep giving.

And we are ready to do just that, at our new church, Orange Park Bible Church. The words Pastor Ken preached last week rang in my ears even this morning as I repreached them to myself, "We do what we do because he is worth it. And as we show his worth, we show his glory."

So we are here because he is worth it. And we want to keep grasping, together with all the saints, now those at OPBC, "how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that we may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:18, 19)

Just as we needed to be at CBC, now we need to be here at OPBC. So let's do this for his glory!

 

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