Grace For Every Hurdle

It's been a few weeks since your ninth birthday. Did I really think if I didn't write my annual post to you I could bypass the reality that we most likely only have nine more years together? And I feel like your dad and I are still hunched over you in the back seat, trying to figure out how to get your blasted car seat out of our car, so we can carry you into the house for the first time!

You firstborn children have a hard way to go in some respects. Your firsts are our firsts, so sometimes we hobble along together taking first bites, steps, swims, and drives. We learn early that he catches us when we're falling, steadies us when we aren't as ready for that next step as we thought, calms us when we're the ones up crying in the middle of the night, and encourages us when we thought we should be done cleaning up messes by now, but instead the messes are bigger and worse than a pile of crumbs on the floor after dinner. And through it all, we feel the unrelenting clock and calendar keep pushing us forward to the next phase.

So, it has pushed us to the start of your fourth grade year. Around here, I feel like we're training for the Olympics as we get ready for the next grade of school. We've had our talks - and yes one of them was "the" talk. We've studied the Word. I've warned you of the hard path of the sinner, and I've reminded you that the year ahead is as bright as the promises of God. You know that fearing the Lord is living in the awareness of him - he's always with you, loving you, caring for you, and providing just what you need - and from that awareness flows true wisdom and knowledge.

But still my heart trembles when I think of letting you go again into another year without me. And this public school mama with a homeschool heart has to remind herself of victories past as we face the first day at a new school all over again.

The first morning of school last year, I got a message from a likeminded friend who walked a similar path, encouraging me that the Spirit would be faithful to give us grace for every hurdle. Oh how I needed those words! Just pulling into the parking lot on that first day was a hurdle, let alone walking those crowded halls full of strangers, and then letting you go under someone else's care for 7 1/2 hours a day. It took weeks before I wouldn't cry as I ran errands and drove by the exit for your school, knowing you guys were close but not with me.

The year definitely presented it's hurdles, but just as my friend reminded me, the Spirit gave grace for each one.

About a week into school, Daddy was walking out after dropping you off and introduced himself to the assistant headmaster, Al Carter. Your dad gave him his church business card, telling Al he was a pastor in the area and that he was praying for him. He had no idea that new-to-the-area headmaster was a Liberty grad and would visit our church the following Sunday with his Wheaton grad wife and their two kids. He had no idea that first quick exchange in the hall would result in their meeting weekly for early morning coffee and spiritual encouragement. But God did. Grace!

Thankful for our friendship with Al and Liz!

The year started off with a 'big bang' (literally) when your teacher presented a differing view of origins than you believe. You raised your hand and questioned and challenged. You had to learn to do it respectfully and to kindly interact with others who don't hold your beliefs. It was an early lesson in showing love and honor while disagreeing. Grace!

At Thanksgiving, you got to do a presentation poster featuring people, places, and things you were thankful for. You had the idea to include Jesus in the "person" category, our church as one of the "places," and the Bible in the "thing" column. You described why you were thankful for each one. "Because he's perfect, because they are loving friends, and because it teaches us." Grace!

Around Christmas, I volunteered to work in the Secret Santa shop and Al's wife happened to be working the same shift. In between helping the classes, we'd discuss the quick version of our spiritual journeys, relishing in providence right there in the public school gym. Grace!

That morning, I helped a little boy shop who wanted to pick out a gift for his dad. I pointed out a few options and asked if his dad might use either of those things. He looked up at me and said, "My dad died two weeks ago." And I remembered one of the reasons we were at the school. I have biblical obligations to you, one of which is to lead you in learning how to help your sick or sorrowing peers who might need Jesus. Grace!

I loved volunteering for field trips and reading groups and getting to know and have fun with your classmates. We have great memories of those "special voices" I'd let you guys read in and then "freeze!" Making new friends together was yet another evidence of grace!

I couldn't have been as involved as I was without the help of sweet friends from church providing childcare. I needed their support and help, and they were there for us. Grace!

And this dear woman, who I struggled leaving you with that first day of school, became a precious addition to our "most loved people" list. Mrs. Wall cried as you parted ways on your last day of school and is planning to visit us next summer. The perfect teacher for you - and me! Grace!

As I walked into your school that last day, I had a lump in my throat and fought back tears once again. But this time, they were tears of gratefulness to God. They were tears over faith that grew from seeing those halls as a fearful place to a grace filled place, where God didn't leave us or forsake us. I felt him near and dear there. I wouldn't trade this past year of school for anything, not even having you with me all day every day (although I can never get enough of our special time together). I wouldn't trade it though, because it's a better place to be desperately needing God to work and then finding him working in unexpected places and through unexpected means. Like the joy of finding streams in the desert. Only God can do things like that!

Maybe last year was an unusual year. But maybe it wasn't. So I will remember these triumphs of grace as we jump the hurdle of pulling in the parking lot tomorrow, your first day of school. I'll remember that you're there to get an education which isn't just about learning math and reading. Because I can tell you he's Lord of the nations, but wouldn't it be great if you could see that he's Lord of Orange Park first? Wouldn't it be instructive for you to grow up seeing God isn't like us and his image isn't monochromatic? As Aunt Charisse pointed out, wouldn't it be good for you to watch us appreciating and embracing home as a haven where we retreat after the hard work of being on mission is done? Wouldn't it be better for you to see my and your dad's example (clumsy as it is) of actually being in the world but not of it? And wouldn't it be faith-building for you to have the confidence of witnessing that as my and your dad's light shines in darkness, the darkness can never extinguish it?

There are so many more firsts for us to experience together, my Stella Grace. Another big one is tomorrow. There is even more for you to learn - for us to learn - in the school year ahead. Like we always have been, we're by your side, looking to him for grace as we jump through the hurdles...for at least nine more cherished years!

 

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Already Not Yet

At our church's business meeting last Sunday, Matt gave a 3-month update since coming to OPBC. Overall, we are thankful for a smooth transition to life in Florida. In some ways, it seems like we just got here and in other ways, it feels like we've been here forever.

Just Got Here

The bugs. I thought it was only in Texas where everything is bigger, but I think that applies to FL too. We (and by we I mean I was in the same general vicinity when these things happened but as far away from said incidents as possible) killed our first snake, have rescued 2 huge bull frogs from our pool, and hired an exterminating service so we can sleep in relative peace knowing palmetto bugs aren't taking over our house while our eyes are closed.

Speaking of frogs, I thought our new neighbors were playing music with a booming bass like we were used to in MI. Then Matt informed me those were not the familiar sounds of raucous music, but of nature. Nature?! What's that?! We lie in bed at night listening to the serenade of frogs now. Can't decide which I dislike more, nature or human nature! ;)

A frog spying on us outside our living room door!

 

The sun is penetrating. I love seeing it shine in the sky from my air conditioned house, but it's heat is inescapably direct. The way MI cold chills you to the bone is the same way the FL heat cooks you to the core.

People are nice. Like really nice. In line at the store the clerks ask how you're doing and really care. The drivers aren't ready to pull a gun on you if you don't move the milisecond the light turns green. There's a general trustworthiness between neighbors and people in general. It is a welcome change.

Been Here Forever

Our church family. These people have opened their arms to us from the minute we set foot in the church. They have overwhelmed us with kindness and love and yet have given us room to adjust and space to transition. I even had some people thoughtfully say they were praying for me as we went back to MI for Matt's sisters wedding and then had to leave again, knowing how hard that would be. They have brought us meals, stocked our pantry, worked on our plumbing, tagged along for an IKEA road trip, painted walls, installed molding, invited to play dates, helped with demolition and retiling, mowed our grass, and in general have opened their hearts in friendship. They haven't made us "earn" their trust or held us at arms length until we prove we are who we say we are. Conversations flow easily and God has given us quick connections over everything from the people and books that have influenced us, to past sorrows and struggles, to the music we like. But most of all, God has united us around the Christ we love and serve. We are thankful for people who had been walking a distant but parallel path with us, now walking together, lives joined in a happy intersection. Blessed buds of promising friendships for the sake of his name.

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Cause our Faith to Rise

You crossed the finish line of another year, but I'm the one who's out of breath, heart racing, and legs about to give way. It's been a rough one, hasn't it? But we made it with God's help.

You keep this mama on her toes occasionally, but more often on her heels, struggling to catch up.

It's not lost on me that you are the first baby we really waited for, begged God for, and didn't take for granted. You are the baby whose first cry helped dry my tears of the previous two years of losses and longing. And the one who has since brought me to tears of desperation as we seek to shape you and lead you to Jesus.

You. The baby I cradled with grateful awe. The baby I'd risk waking up at night to pick up and snuggle, just because you were actually there.

You. The baby God would use to bring us to our knees in humble submission. And keep us there ever since.

You. The baby whose eye lashes I watched unfold and whose eyes I can read like a book. And it's always a complex action adventure, full of unexpected and eventful twists.

You. The baby who has shown me my lack of patience, selflessness, love, wisdom, and understanding of the gospel, and my abundance of pride, selfish ambition, fear, and weakness.

You are our answer to prayer. The gift of our longing. The tester of our faith. The reminder of God's faithfulness and care even when darkness seemed to hide his face.

God knew we would need this visual testimony of your life through the years as we parent you. He knew we would need to remember in all of our teaching you, correcting you, loving you, and training you in righteousness, that what we really need is to glance at you but gaze at him. And as we glance and see all the nuances of fallenness surface from your heart, they should serve to help our faith rise and our eyes linger over the reminders of his power to bring life from death, abundance from emptiness, joy from pain, and answers after silence.

We need this witness of your life, Ruby Jean, and so do others. It's my prayer today that I wouldn't waste it...and that you wouldn't either. So even though I'm still catching my breath, I guess we're off again, racing into another year!

"Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." (Hebrews 12:2)

Happy 6th Birthday to the baby who is the substance of what we hoped for and the evidence that what we see definitely isn't all there is.

 

 

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Rock of Ages When the Year is Long

So you have the audacity to go ahead and turn another year older, do you? In motherly determination, I push deep and try not to feel the angst. It's hard for me this year, I'm not going to lie. Maybe it's because my soul was dripping wet with thousands of tears and hung out to dry these past weeks. Maybe it's because a new church has rushed into our lives like the wind, blowing everywhere kindness and love and I'm left spinning in the reality of overwhelming grace. Maybe it's because I've been caught up in the chaos of the past twelve months and my earth has quaked and who says God never speaks in those? Because if he doesn't speak in the tumult what good is his speaking at all? Sometimes I need him in the still but most of the time I need him in the noise. And He's been there. I've heard him over it all...when I've listened.

Maybe it's because in the quaking, I've wondered where this year has crumbled and gone and what my investments have been and I've wished for a do-over. A year of quiet. A year filled with snuggles and meaningful memories. A year of steadiness and handling the distractions better. A year of schedule and predictability. Instead we've gotten a year of upheaval and unexpected change. Adoption paperwork and meetings and grant applications and fundraisers and an untimely funeral and interviews and a survey trip and a new school and a candidacy and speaking engagements and a move.

And what happened to that schedule posted on the board that can become my idol? It became my idol, that's what. And what happened to those lingering breakfasts around the table talking catechism and rehearsing for unlimited minutes how the gospel applies to anything and everything? Those minutes got cut short because it took more time to put on armor this year. What happened to the reading corner and the table time and the limit of a short half-hour recorded TV program per day? They turned into grabbing a book when we could, multitasking by playing a game over lunch, and more TV than is probably healthy for a three-year-old.

So here we are, supposed to be celebrating another year of your life and I'm the one throwing a toddler's tantrum inside. Not ready for more change. Not ready to let these past months go because they aren't what I wanted for you...for us.

But once again, God. He's here. And I have to remind myself that he changes everything because he changes me. You know what the funny thing is, Son? He changes everything by never changing a thing about himself. Look outside at that grass. It grows and will be taller tomorrow than it is today. And see those flowers pretty and bright? Look again the next day and their beauty will fade. Stare your mama in the face in a few months and you'll see laugh lines plunging deeper and wispy gray hairs refusing to keep on their mask. But in all of this change, he never changes. The mountains can quake and crumble into the sea and so can my heart, and our schedule, and our life as we know it. But not him. Who is a rock except our God? To him we can run and find safety.

And you need to do that. You've made a hotel room your bed for three weeks now and before that slept in a sleeping bag for awhile in a bare room that used to feel like home. And the God-man knows a little something about make-shift housing, with animals bleating and living like he wasn't staying here for long. And he wasn't. Because he moved and left his home in heaven - talk about a transition - to come get us, so you and I might have a home there with him. He was a perfect boy for you because he knew your biggest problem isn't your imperfect mom who lets you down, but your sinful heart that's already let him down. And his character never changed. He grew on to be a perfect teenager, never sneaking out at night or clamming up in rebellious apathy or looking girls up and down lustfully. He became a perfect man, always doing his Father's will even when that bitter cup was so hard to swallow, he drank it down obediently. And, Son, he became sin and his Father forsook him for a time so you could become righteous and have an unbroken relationship with that Father in heaven. And, oh, how these truths bring comfort! Mending disappointing relationships, restoring a home, forgiving sin, washing away regret in redemption. A God who lived through the fire and flood and so promises to walk with us through them too. What great hope we have for the year ahead!

But tumult can leave a bruise, and your mama's going to look at this black and blue often and remember. I'll remember our home isn't really on Connie anymore than it was on Keppen. The people we want to be like roamed around in tents and this world wasn't even worthy of them. So what am I really living for anyway? Order doesn't come from having pictures on the walls and your own bed to sleep in. Obedience gives order. First things first. And my success as a mom isn't in our schedule or books read or unlimited hours of instruction or limited hours of technology. My success as a mom is found in Christ's success for me. He is all I am not, and will never be, regardless of how peaceful and pretty my circumstances are.

As I hear you sleeping soundly and breathing heavily just a few feet away from me and your dad in this, our {always} temporary home, I admit to you I don't know what your fourth year holds. But I guess that doesn't matter so much after all, does it? He's got us and he says he always will. That's something we can count on. So let's put our roots down there deep in the Word. Because those promises? They're never going to change.

 

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Another Week

Easter bunny craft since we didn't want to end up with a PAAS-dyed hotel room.

Hotel living has its perks!

Thankful for Netflix:)

Can't get over this gorgeous view we enjoy while running errands.

Sweet new friends reaching out to us and our kids...

Ruby asked when we were going to get her one?!

Water gun fights

And wagon rides

Progress on our house...

Last week we were tearing down walls and this week we're raising up floors.

Church friends using their painting talents. This is the early stage of the girls' flamingo room. (I know, I know! I've fallen hard for palm trees and, yes, flamingos!)

 

New series Matt started at OPBC today

Thanks for praying for us!

 

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Home Sweet Hotel

We've been in Jacksonville almost a week now. We have received an overwhelmingly warm welcome from our OPBC family. They've been keeping us well-fed as we set up house in the local Holiday Inn for awhile until our home is move-in ready.

Here are a few pics of our new area.

Our church building

Holy Week activities hotel style. Thank you, Bailey family, for the supplies making this possible!

Our new house after 2 walls were removed. (Insert corny joke about the first of many walls we hope to break down in JAX.)

Our things arrived safely from MI on Monday. The movers and construction workers warned us about all the ant hills on our sidewalk, driveway, and in our yard. Apparently ants bite in FL?!

Stella's Florida-ready flip-flop clad feet

Alone time in the hotel room is hard to come by. Stella hides behind the curtains and creates her own window seat. Here she is reading Little Women. She's loving it, Oginsky family! :)

Oh, Ruby!

Schaeffer with his bunny, affectionately named "Nothing." Thank you, Brown family!

 

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God's Wisdom on Display - Final Part

I've been reading through Hebrews 11 lately. Some recongize this chapter as the "Hall of Faith" because it catalogs acts of faith God enabled his people to do through the ages. My heart resonated with the final verses when the author, clearly overwhelmed with God's equipping his servants to perform all he asks, says, "And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell of Gideon, Barak..." and the list goes on.

I've spent the last weeks cataloging, from my perspective, some of the ways God has shown his great wisdom in our lives through the faith of the people at CBC. But we have run out of Sundays there, and time fails me to tell so much more. However, I have saved a very special family for last, because without them, none of the other posts would've been possible.

Over twelve years ago, Pastor Ken, Kim, Laynie, and Anna, set out to plant a church in the downriver area that would break down the unnecessary objections unchurched people had to church, so they could be reached with the life changing gospel of Jesus. Pastor Ken started with a clear vision of where CBC was headed and a plan to get there. The small handful of people who sat in the launch meeting that first night, has now grown to a vibrant, diverse, healthy church of over 300 people.

Matt and I moved here during CBC's first years as a church plant. I had the blessing of getting to know Kim as she exercised at the Curves where I worked. We made a quick connection then, having no idea how closely God would unite our paths in the future. Really, I had absolutely no idea, the new acquaintance I loved talking to a few mornings a week, would become as close as a sister and someone upon whom I would lean heavily to get me through the early years as a mom of three and learning the ropes of helping my husband in ministry. I cannot count the times she came to my side with meals, inexhaustable love for my babies, wise advise spiritually and practically, a humble example, words of encouragement, fervent prayer, and a heart so quick to serve. She has shared her own daughters with us and the 5 kids together have such a close bond. They are like family to us.

And although we didn't know it would happen, he certainly did. He knows the plans he has for us and has led us each step of the way. As we sat in the Browns' living room last week, we recounted with them how God has used CBC in our lives in general, and their family in our lives, in particular. Matt wasn't using hyperbole when he told them our time spent with them has been just as valuable, if not more valuable, than his time spent in seminary getting his Master of Divinity degree. We needed to be at CBC these past years and we needed their input in our lives. We needed to think through the philosphy of ministry at CBC and we needed the practice of doing ministry through that grid. It was essential for our own personal growth in the Lord and for our helping others follow him as well. We leave, not just with invaluable experience, but with full hearts. We can't give what we don't have, and Pastor Ken and Kim, and Laynie and Anna, and all of CBC by following your example, have given us much, so in turn we can keep giving.

And we are ready to do just that, at our new church, Orange Park Bible Church. The words Pastor Ken preached last week rang in my ears even this morning as I repreached them to myself, "We do what we do because he is worth it. And as we show his worth, we show his glory."

So we are here because he is worth it. And we want to keep grasping, together with all the saints, now those at OPBC, "how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that we may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:18, 19)

Just as we needed to be at CBC, now we need to be here at OPBC. So let's do this for his glory!

 

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God's Wisdom on Display - Part 3

Sunday was our last day singing in the Worship Music Ensemble. One of my favorite things about singing in ensemble is that we get to look at everyone while we sing. To me (although I know not many would be comfortable with this!) it is the perfect way to apply the "to one another" from Ephesians 5:19. "Speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit." I like the idea that I am actually saying the words of the songs to specific people in our congregation, face to face, just as I do when I am in a conversation with someone, encouraging her in her worship of Jesus in whatever circumstances she finds herself. For instance, I love the line from "Glorious Christ" that says, "And all will be made right when You appear." When we sing that, I always try to look for specific people I know need reminded that endurance is worth it. That the injustices they are suffering will be righted in the end because Jesus who died will most certainly have his justice satisfied.

So Sunday, instead of melting in a heap of tears like I was tempted, I intentionally looked out at everyone and allowed their different stories to run through my mind. Their sometimes bleak, but still, so full-of-hope stories we've had the privilege of being part. I saw them offering worship with what I knew were broken hearts, mended hearts, skeptical hearts, believing hearts, hard hearts, distracted hearts, struggling hearts, and changed hearts and I didn't want to forget a second of it. I heard their singing and wanted the sound never to stop ringing in my ears, filling my soul, and being implanted in my mind. I wanted to remember their faces and the grace that had brought them safely to that point in their stories on Sunday, March 30, 2014. Because, although God isn't at all done writing their stories, he's phasing us out of them, and I don't want to forget where they were when we left so someday I can glory with them in all he wrote after us.

A few of the stories I will remember are these ladies'.

I've watched these ladies on our Leadership Wives Team through the years and intensely observed their lives. We've shared burdens some others might never know. We've prayed for each other and seen God answer prayer. Being the youngest in the group, I have gleaned wisdom beyond my years. I thank God for each of these women and the ministry they have had informally teaching me reverence, self-control, to love my husband and children through each very different and sometimes heartbreaking season, to be busy serving (even in the retirement years), to be kind and selfless, and not to be anxious even in financial hardship. Thank you ladies for letting your good deeds recommend the Word in my life. You've lived out Titus 2 right before my eyes!

 

And we know these people's stories reeeaaaally well. :)

At one point, we joked that every member of the Crossroads class had fallen asleep at our house at some point in time for some reason or another. We have had so much fun together eating, bowling, retreating, birthday partying, frisbee golfing, picnicing, concerting, laser tagging, and the list goes on. We've been with them through the "we either need to get married or break up" relationship phases, and then the "I'm crying so hard my heart is absolutely broken" phases, and the too long "I just wish I was dating enough to risk having my heart broken" phases. The first wedding ceremony Matt had the privilege of performing was for a close friend and Crossroads class member. The first wedding in which Stella was a flower girl was for another Crossroads friend. They helped us get ready for our next babies by watching our kids so we could paint or organize or have a date night and surprised me with a generous baby shower. They've faithfully prayed with us at an abortion clinic that we saw close its doors! I won't rewrite what I've already said here about the profound way these people have shown us Jesus and helped make us more like him. But please read it and remember that your familial status, yes, even in the church, doesn't matter one bit when it comes to God's using you for his glory. We have been changed because of spending the last several years serving with you. We love you like we love our own children. Seriously.

We are eager for God to keep writing the story of your lives with all the bumps, turns, and adventures that involves. Remember, as we studied in our A Praying Life series, that although we don't know how he'll get us there, we know it will be a happy ending. In fact, it will be even greater than we can conceive!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen!" (Ephesians 3:20, 21)

 

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