Child Training...What's the Church Got To Do With It?

We love our local church. We believe local establishments of the universal church are where God is doing His work in the world today. He ordained a visual reality of the invisible, to bear witness to the world of His relationship to His people, who submit to Jesus as their Head, and live out His priorities providing a light in the darkness.  So, we orient our family life around the mission of our church. Our family calendar is happily organized according to our church's calendar. We live in a close knit community with other members of our body for accountability, edification, correction, and mutual instruction. And we do this out of necessity, not obligation. We firmly believe we need each other. Our Christian lives are less than they should be if we aren't in it together. That's the way God intended it.

In local churches, God uses many means to build His people up to maturity. One of the main means He uses is the preaching and teaching of His Word by our pastors and teachers to instruct us line upon line, precept upon precept. One of our pastors in college said that expositional preaching will help a person easily discern teaching that doesn't match up with the Word of God. He or she might not be able to articulate all the reasons why, but the error will be readily apparent since he or she is well taught in Scripture.

So, how does our commitment to and need for the church connect with training our children?

The Church Helps Train Our Children

Our children are also learning from what is taught at church through us as their parents reiterating it to them (Deuteronomy 6), the older men and women in the church informally training them (Titus 2), and directly from their pastors and teachers. I was reminded of what our previous pastor said (mentioned above) when we were at the hospital getting x-rays for Ruby last month. The controversial Easter "Newsweek" was prominently displayed on the side table in the waiting room. Stella saw the cover and ran over to it saying, "Jesus!" Her excitement turned to a look of bewilderment after she read the headline, "Forget the Church, Follow Jesus". I hadn't seen the magazine yet, but she came over to me and said, "Something doesn't seem quite right about this, Mom." I asked her what it said and then asked her what her problem was with the statement. She said, "Well, don't we follow Jesus by being part of the church?" Amen, Stell! The instruction she is receiving at CBC is serving her well by equipping her to discern truth from error.

Our Children Help The Church Hold To Sound Doctrine

The local church is only as strong as its members. In our suburban area, that means our church is only as strong as the families represented. A few months back, I read an article by Dr. Gerald Priest, former Church History Professor at DBTS, and another piece of the parenting puzzle came together for me. He writes:

"...local churches will only be as spiritually healthy as their families. We know from Scripture that the means of maintaining strong churches is instruction in sound doctrine (1 Timothy 4:11-16). The formal expression of that doctrine is the church's statement of faith or confession...The practical means of confessional instruction has been the catechism...Proper biblical instruction in the home [through the catechism] will reinforce what is learned in the church and help safeguard the truth [held by the church] as we indoctrinate the generation who will succeed us."

Dr. Priest quotes the church father, Chrysostom, and challenges parents to "raise up a champion for Christ" and develop "a strategy for building children into devoted servants of our great God and Christ's church...training [them] in Christian doctrine."

Of course, the most foundational way to do this is using the Bible itself. But, another strategy parents have used through history in conjunction with Bible teaching and study, is the implementation of a confession of faith like the Westminster Shorter Catechism. We, as a family, have adopted this strategy for the past 5 years. We updated the Catechism slightly to be in line with our church's confession of the Baptist distinctives. It has been a helpful springboard off of which we can elaborate in handling our kids' abstract questions about God ("Does God have a body?" "No, God is a Spirit."), dealing with practical matters like calming bedtime fears ("Can you see God?" "No, I cannot see Him, but He always sees me."), and addressing their need for salvation by pointing them to Jesus ("What did Christ undertake in the covenant of grace?" "To keep the whole law for his people, and to suffer the punishment due to their sins.").

A few resources we've found helpful are the Catechism itself located here (and updated as indicated above). Some friends recommended these CDs several years back and we love all of them! (Only Volume 1 is linked to, but there are currently 3 CDs available.) This year, I've used these books during breakfast and taught more systematically through each question. Even Ruby has gotten into it! And Stella understands why "total inability" is a better explanation for man's fallen condition than "total depravity."

Is This Just a Cerebral Exercise?

The Bible teaches in Jude that the truth is something for which we have to fight in this world and even in the church. Fighting for truth presupposes we know the truth. So we act offensively and inculcate our kids in truth so they can "test and approve what God's will is." (Romans 12:2) And, we also act defensively, teaching them to stand on guard against error, protecting the truth and testimony of Christ's church.

A Mutual Help

The church has everything to do with child training. First, it helps us and our kids. Maybe you're a single parent, or married to an unbeliever, or weren't raised in a Christian home, or are just very aware of your limitations as a parent. We can rely on the church! It helps make our job of training our kids easier because we can follow its lead, set by our pastors, in what we teach our kids and how. And, we and our kids, can benefit from the help provided by the example, teaching, and input from our relationships with people in the church.  We aren't alone in the task! Last, the church helps us so we can help the church. With all the competing voices of what we should and shouldn't be doing as parents, the church helps keeps us focused and clarifies the purpose for why we're training our kids in the first place - to maintain its strength and health in the generations to come. "To him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:21)
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If you need further inspiration, listen here to D.A. Carson and Voice give a fun explanation of the Westminster Cat. :)

The Capacity for Pain in Parenting

"A wise son makes a father glad, but a foolish son is a grief to his mother." Proverbs 10:1

The sobriety of this truth came to bear again upon my heart as I studied through Proverbs while I held you, our newborn son, in my arms just two short years ago. I wasn't new to the almost overwhelming responsibility that comes with parenting. When Stella was just two, I wrote here about feeling the weight of caring for her soul that would live forever. Now it was the same burden, but times three! 

John Kitchen, in his commentary on Proverbs, admits regarding this verse, "What capacity for pain we take on when we [first] hold our...child in our arms!"

Carolyn Mahaney, posting of A Mother's Trust, transparently confesses her biggest struggle as a parent was that she didn't trust God more. She saw her children's sins and feared how those vices might grip their hearts and play out in detrimental ways in their lives. I know I'm not alone in acknowledging my own similar battle.

I see dear Christian friends heart broken over their wayward grown children. I've heard them rehearse how they parented and try to pinpoint where they went wrong as if they were ultimately to blame for how their children turned out. I've seen them almost collapse under the grief of the foolishness of their son and/or daughter. 

Honestly, all of this sometimes makes me wonder why in the world we opened ourselves up to the potential for such pain!

 

But love drives out fear. And these risks, the possibility of the heart breaks, this sacrifice, is what biblical love is all about. It's following God's path in a responsible way, counting the cost not dear, and trusting Him with each step. It's knowing a sword might pierce my soul, like it did Jesus' mother's, but going ahead with it nonetheless.  It's examining the high price tag on love, and gladly paying it all. How do I know this?

Because I've learned from Jesus who is the fulfillment of the loving truth that it is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35). I know how I should love because I've been shown great love even though I broke my Father's heart, caused Him unimaginable pain, grieving Him by thousands of falls. Jesus loved me to the end of Himself (John 13:1), while I was still a sinner and completely undeserving (Romans 5:8), and covered the high cost of my sin (1 John 4:10).

So this great love controls me (2 Corinthians 5:14) and compels me to love my precious children, regardless of how they reciprocate my love for them and even His love for them. I follow Jesus who gave, even if I might not receive. In doing this, I try to keep a few things in mind.

1. No matter how faithful I am to train my children in the way they should go, I must humbly remember it is not a guarantee they will not depart from it. 

Dr. Sam Dawson, Professor of Biblical Hermeneutics at DBTS, helped me learn to interpret the literary genre of proverbs. Proverbs are not promises. They are wise sayings that are generally true in life. It's actually freeing to know Proverbs 22:6 isn't a set-in-stone guarantee, because I would be way too self-reliant if it were. Instead, I remain dependent on God to keep my kids from departing, and ask Him to use our hopefully diligent but still feeble, failing, insufficient attempts at training. We work hard, but pray hard, as well, since it all depends on God to make our work bear fruit in their lives.  And if it comes to this, "When the harvest time is over and I still see no fruit, I will wait for You." (emphasis mine)

And you, dear ones with wayward children, can be free too from scrutinizing your past parenting failures. I have a long list of regrets only seven years into it. Our expectation is ultimately in God, not our training efforts. We all fall hopelessly short. Wait for Him.

2. What my kids need most, I can't give them. They need a new heart. A regenerated heart. A new birth. I might give them a first birth, but only God can give them a second. So, again, we pray, and wait on God.

3. I need to seek out the encouraging perspective of moms with grown kids. "[The older women] can urge the younger women to love...their children." (Titus 2:4)

A few times last month, I was encouraged greatly by what two moms at our church shared with me. One told me about her grown son and his wife becoming foster parents. She said when he was growing up she never would've dreamed he would do this important ministry. I thanked her for reminding me not to see my kids as the sum of their faults but to remember that nothing is too wonderful for the Lord! He knows the plans He has for them and is sufficient to equip them accordingly! Another mom told me how fervently she prayed her daughter through her public school years and helped her navigate being the designated driver for her friends and confrontations with sexual temptations. God kept her daughter safe, in spite of the peer pressure and teasing, and she gave her husband the gift of purity on their wedding night.

Carolyn Mahaney finished her transparent confession referenced above, with this encouragement in her book, Girl Talk:

"For every fearful peek into the future, I wish I had looked to Christ instead. For each imaginary trouble conjured up, I wish I had recalled the specific, unfailing faithfulness of God. In place of dismay and dread, I wish I had exhibited hope and joy. I wish I had approached mothering like the preacher Charles Spurgeon approached his job: 'forecasting victory, not foreboding defeat.'"

4. I need to listen to the encouraging perspective of grown children.

I loved hearing Matt talk about the instructive, edifying sermons he heard at Together for the Gospel when he came home last month. But the most encouraging thing he relayed to me, hands down, was from a panel discussion on the topic of the inerrancy of Scripture. One by one, the panelists explained from a scholarly point of view, why they each held the belief that Scripture is without error. It was John Piper's turn and the gist of his answer was, "I believe the Bible is inerrant because my mom told me it was." I was choking back tears when I heard this brilliant grown man's admission to the power of his mother's influential teaching.

As I take you again in my arms today, my bigger, wigglier, broader, heavier, ornerier 2-year-old baby boy, I will remind you how much I love you, even with all the sacrifice, risk, and potential for personal pain love entails. I will remind you that I love you enough to tell you no when you do wrong and warn you repeatedly that the way of the transgressor is hard. I will remind you that I love you enough to instruct you in wisdom's way - the way you should go - by directing you to the One in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. Those treasures are worth digging for! I will remind you that I love you enough to diligently seek to drive out the foolishness that has deep roots in your heart. And I will admit to you - although you'll soon realize it yourself - that as much as I want to be the perfect picture of biblical love to you, I am but a poor reflection of the great love I've received. So, as long as I am able, I will remind you too, that you can know perfect love. And this is how: "Jesus Christ laid down his life for us." (1 John 3:16)

Happy 2nd Birthday, to the 2nd boy who stole my heart!

You'll Be a Good Wife: Encouragement On Your Wedding Day

It's your wedding day, my patient friend. Many of us rejoice with you in prayers answered, waiting (of this sort, anyway) over, and expectations long hoped for fulfilled.

During the past 10 or so years, while some of us were busy with the blessed distraction of worldly things - like how to please our husbands - you have been busy devoting yourself to the Lord. You got those stamps on your passport and those certifications for which you studied. You've discipled women, evangelized many, mastered your French, and advocated for those in need. You've frequented hundreds of coffee shops, edited more pages than one thought humanly possible, shopped thrift stores, and simmered and stirred some fabulous soups on your stove-top. You've stumbled and you've gotten back up by the grace of God. You've feared and you've trusted. You've struggled physically and you've clung to the hope that your inner man is being renewed daily. You've paid down debt and remembered that your God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory.
 

We've been watching God at work in your life these past years. We've wondered where He would lead you next and how He would use your amazing gifts to magnify His great name. The mysteries that sometimes frustrated us because they seemed so mysterious always have made perfect sense to Him. Now we see through a glass dimly; then face to face.  

Today certainly isn't the culmination of all for which you've waited. I know you'll agree that won't occur until the day you see Jesus as He is and are made to be like Him. And, of course, today isn't the stopping point of God's leading in your life. But it is a providential pause. A special time to celebrate this new season, new role, and these new responsibilities. So as we pause to observe this particular point in God's plan for your life, I have a few words of encouragement for you.  

1. You'll be a good wife because you've already proven to be a faithful bride. One thing that has impressed me over the years is how important the local church is in your life. From those days in grad school when some thought they'd wait to join a church, you made it a point to identify yourself in a meaningful way with a local body of believers. You have loved the churches (meaning the people not the buildings!) of which you've been part, and with your geographical moves have made it a point to pick a church (people) first, a job second. You are always a loyal support to your pastors and church leaders. You take ownership. One thing I love is that it's your habit to refer to your church as "my church."  

It isn't coincidence God uses the imagery of marriage when referencing His relationship to His people. The parallels are striking. So to you, faithful bride of Christ, I say, be faithful to Brad in the same way. Call him "my husband" with all the affection and loyalty that title embodies. Support him through the hard decisions he has to make. Let him cast the vision for your family and allow him to share his dreams with you. Then get busy accomplishing them together!  

2. You'll be a good wife because you've already proven to be an empathetic friend.
An evidence of the Spirit at work in your life I've noticed these past years, is the grace God has given you to rejoice and sorrow with others. You sent me flowers on the due date of one of our miscarried babies. You bought blankets for my newborns and my favorite striped socks for my feet. :) And you've fulfilled your role of bridesmaid as if it didn't really matter if you were ever the bride.  

Be that empathetic friend to Brad. Although you are one flesh, it will still be hard at times to hurt when he hurts as if you yourself were hurting. But try to. Rejoice with him over the things that bring him joy. Don't minimize what he's going through but feel what he feels deeply right along with him. This brings the unity of marriage to a whole new level and will let his heart grow to trust in you. He'll know he's safe with you. The Bible describes this in the Gospels as doing to others what you would have them do to you. And that's the perfect starting point. But don't stop there. Learn what he wants (because it might be different than what you want!) and do that for him!  

3. You'll be a good wife because you've already proven to be a submissive help. It's obvious to everyone you are a competent woman. You've been formally trained in theology more than many pastors. Your mastery of the English language and the poetic way you express your thoughts are a God-given gift. Your knowledge of global crises and gospel-driven and philanthropic relief are impressive. You have not used your abilities as a way to draw attention to yourself but as a means to serve. You have used them to submit to your church leadership or those over you in your employment to help draw attention to the Giver of those gifts. You have set up adoption funds through your local church and were able to see some of your friends give precious children forever families. You have applied your theology instead of letting it grow stagnant in your brain and contentious in your heart, using it to help others by entreating, teaching, encouraging, correcting, and even keeping silent when necessary. You have written some of the most beautiful sentences I've ever read which have served in helping me strive to be better at what I do and in the way I make use of the gifts I've been given.  

Be that submissive help to Brad. Make it easy for him to lead in your home. Don't intimidate him or use your skills as a means of manipulation. Make him a better husband by the way you exercise your gifts. Use your abilities in a way that helps him and doesn't make him feel like you are competing with him. Your desire will be to rule over your husband. Master that desire. Don't master him.  

4. You'll be a good wife because you've already learned to hold your earthly relationships with loose hands. This last point takes me back to our final year of undergrad (1998) in Senior Study Hall. There we were (me, you, and Marica), with our heads often bowed in prayer, well-worn Bibles laid out before us, journals filled with entries expressing all God was doing in our hearts, and Christian hedonism fresh on our minds. Others looked and saw tables of wood and melamine. But we knew those tables where we sat were holy tables. God was doing business with us and we were learning from Him.

I remember catching an unintentional (honestly, it was!) glimpse at your journal one night. I saw something written at the top that I have never forgotten. You had the lyrics written out to the final verse of the hymn, "A Mighty Fortress is Our God." What I saw looked something like this:

"Let goods (house, car, books) and kindred (Mom, Dad, Josh, Matt, Luke) go
This mortal life also
The body they may kill
God's truth abideth still
His kingdom is forever."  

Today, you'll add a new name to that list of kindred. You know marriage is a gift for this life only. You will be married to Christ forever, but to Brad for a vapor. If Christ doesn't return first, your relationship will eventually return to the dust from which your bodies came. So keep eternity in mind each day as you interact with Brad. Don't waste your role as a wife. It will soon be over. Obey God in this new season like you're living for a Kingdom that is forever. Your being a wife can serve God best only if you continue to be most satisfied in Him. Not your role. Not your husband. So hold tightly to Christ and loosely to Brad. To use a Piperism, love Christ most and you will love Brad best.

 

I love you, my Joy-driven friend. It is my supreme delight to share today with you. It is an honor to stand next to you and witness the covenant you and Brad make with each other before God. I will be rejoicing too, that because of a covenant God made with you both and keeps for all eternity, you really will live happily ever after. That's something to celebrate!

My T4G Line-Up

How can two 30lb kids need this much medicine?! And, don't worry, for all you anti-medicine friends. I used my best motherly instincts to determine what was most necessary and when! :)

Was reminded of a Piper quote these past few days, "[Mothers] intuit good theology. They don't have time to read [it]." But thankfully, there have been some moments here and there this week to listen to good theology from T4G. Back to the gospel to help get me through.

Praising the Lord for my sister-in-law and church family, who are like family, to help us through as well. Like the girltalkers said, "[We have felt] very together with the children this week."

By God's grace, I hope to greet my husband with a refreshed spirit, matching his. But boy will we be glad to see him!!!!

The Cross: Proof of God's Love

Last night, we came to the Garden of Gethsemane in our reading for Holy Week. Jesus prays, "My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." (Matthew 26:39)

The kids can imagine the physical pain Jesus was soon to suffer on the cross with the nails and the thorns. But Stella was stunned by another aspect of suffering Jesus was about to face on the cross - being forsaken by God, His Father. She said, "So God turned His back on Jesus?! How could He do that?!" I (Matt was at a funeral) explained the separation our sin caused them, who had only known perfect union and harmony in their relationship to that point, and what a dread that anticipation was to Jesus. I joyfully pointed out that because Jesus was forsaken by God, when we trust Jesus to save us, we never have to fear that God will turn His back on us! Amazing! I could see the wheels turning and knew she was thinking along the lines of something I read by Sinclair Ferguson. I said, "It almost seems like God loves us more than He loved Jesus, doesn't it?" She said, "Yes! It really does."

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

The cross absolutely silences any doubts we have about God's love for us. We see there the extent to which God will go to save us and make us right with Him. There is nothing more He could say or do to persuade us of His love.

And so the cross means everything for how we function in this life. It is a comfort in times of good providence and hard. Sinclair Ferguson explains:

[The cross] is where God demonstrates his love. I don’t know that Christ loves me because I am in the boat with him and the seas are calm. And therefore I don’t know that Christ doesn’t love me because I am in the boat with him and the seas are not calm. I know my heart will say to him, “Don’t you care that we are perishing?”[Matthew 8:23-27]

But with the cross I know he is saying to me, “The reason I am in the boat and the reason I am going to the cross is because I care. So my love is demonstrated towards you in this way.”

Read an interview between CJ Mahaney and Sinclair Ferguson on "God's Love for Us Displayed in the Cross" here.

A Housewife, Desperate for the Gospel

For the past several years we've been living in the joy of gospel-centeredness. We've rediscovered through sermons, books, and a growing understanding of Scripture that the gospel really isn't just for the unbeliever but is something for the seasoned Christian too. Gospel-centeredness isn't necessarily a new concept. Jerry Bridges says he started writing about it after reading the Puritans. For us, it has helped us, piece by piece, reorient our thinking on how we identify sin at its root and do battle with it in our lives. Positively, it has involved our realizing where our hope lies, what our motivations are for sanctification, and what our identity with Christ has to do with all of it.

As is the case most of the time with my growth, I grasp certain truths intellectually before I begin to flesh them out. For example, it has been easy for me to confess that I need the gospel everyday as much as the day I first believed it. And I do affirm that truth wholeheartedly. But if you asked me what exactly that meant and what it looked like in my life, I wouldn't have been able to articulate it completely. Until recently.

Our Crossroads class is winding down the study, The Gospel-Centered Life. It has provided me with the nuts and bolts of what it looks like to apply the gospel to my daily life and effectively address my need for it. Yesterday was one of those days that God provided a multitude of opportunities for application.

Everything was fine in the early morning hours while I was reading my Bible and praying. No one was opposing me and I was feeling oh so spiritual. Then I heard creaks in the floor above me. Immediately my heart started racing - in anger, not fear - well, maybe a little (OK, a lot) of both! Was it Matt walking around (in my opinion, loudly) on our creaky floors? Was he going to wake up the kids? Or worse, were the kids up already?! I tried to regain focus, but I was too annoyed to benefit much more.

So, I came upstairs and discovered my greatest fear - the kids were indeed awake. Being the godly wife I am (note sarcasm), I asked (which involved a little asking mixed in with a lot of accusation...you know, trying to be gentle, but not quite submitting to the Spirit enough to make it all the way to gentleness) Matt if he accidentally woke up the kids. For the record he did not, but that didn't change the fact that they were now awake and I had yet to take a shower. 

I'll spare you all the gory details, but the day was one of catastrophic failure. As spiritual as I had felt in the early morning hours, I felt that unspiritual as the day went on. Yes, I asked my kids to forgive me throughout the day for losing my temper and not opening my mouth in wisdom and kindness, but I still had issues. Big ones.

Later in the afternoon it culminated with Stella handing me a note (I can only assume the poor girl was scared to talk to me and I don't blame her!) saying, "I'm sorry you're having a bad day."

It was dinnertime. Matt was studying through dinner for his class that night, so I was forced to approach God in prayer and thank Him for providing our food for us. Instead of just intellectually confessing I needed the gospel, every fiber of my being was crying out that I needed the gospel! In fact, I knew I couldn't go on without it. So I stood over my kids with my head bowed low and applied what I had been learning.

I confessed my sin. The root of my sin wasn't my anger or my words, but the fact that I had been idolizing my own time, a quiet house, peaceful sibling interactions, immediate obedience, and no interruptions. I wanted to have an easy day without frustration. I loved my ideal for how the day should go rather than God's will for me. That was my sin. I repented, turning from my sin to Jesus, who walked through this frustrating world, full of interpersonal problems, without sinning. I found my hope, not in my resolve to do better or in my guilt over doing poorly, but in His perfection. He overcame the temptations I had given into all day, and actively applied His victory to my life. I was humbled and thankful.

My problems weren't over when I finished praying though. I knew I would be confronted with yet another temptation - the temptation to find comfort in something apart from Jesus. I would try to perform (put into action a flurry of activity to make up for the way I had behaved all day) or pretend (plaster on the plastic Christian smile that communicates, "My life is perfect." and "Sin?! What's that?!"). But instead I stayed at the cross knowing HE had paid for my sin and I couldn't add any works to what He had done. His suffering for my sin was sufficient. It satisfied God. I didn't need to try to satisfy God by paying for my own sin. Jesus' payment was enough. I was forgiven. Period. Again humility and thankfulness flooded over me. I abandoned my performing and pretending and basked in God's grace to me. And that grace didn't make my attitude toward my sin a careless one. That grace made me hate my sin for what it cost Jesus. It made me want to stay hidden in His work for me and let His wounds provide the double cure I needed - saving me from His wrath and making me pure.

So I continued through the night dependent on His grace, freed to obey Him!

I wish I could say yesterday was an unusual day. The truth is though, today hasn't been much different. Yes, some days are more peaceful than others and go somewhat according to how I plan them, but my heart has a war raging within it that is rarely at peace. So today I find myself starting the same cycle over. What am I idolizing that is causing me to sin? Repent. Hide myself in Jesus' perfect life and sufficient death. Stay there. Don't try to perform or pretend. Let His freely poured out grace be the motivation that helps me freely obey. Repeat...repeat...repeat...until He returns or calls me home.

Your life circumstances might have you out of the home, but if you're like me, regardless of your circumstances, there are idols your heart is embracing and trials and temptations you're facing too. There's room at the cross for you. Find me when you get there and we'll repent and worship together. And come look for me if I'm not there, because I can guarantee I need to be!