From the very beginning of Jesus' entrance into the world, we see God's promise being fulfilled that with Him would come hope for ALL the nations, not just Israel.
“Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, magi from the east arrived in Jerusalem, saying, “Where is He who has been born King of the Jews?” —Matthew 2:1–2
Unlike Luke, Matthew does not tell us about the shepherds coming to visit Jesus in the stable. His focus is immediately on foreigners coming from the east to worship Jesus. So Matthew portrays Jesus at the beginning and ending of his Gospel as a universal Messiah for the nations, not just for Jews. Here the first worshipers are court magicians or astrologers or wise men not from Israel but from the East—perhaps from Babylon. They were Gentiles. And at the end of Matthew, the last words of Jesus are, “All authority has been given to me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations. (Excerpt From: Piper, John. “Good News of Great Joy.” Desiring God, 2012.)
Praise God, the door has been opened for all to come near to God through Jesus! As we are busy here with our own disciple-making endeavors, this is a perfect time to remember our dear missionaries - the ones who are in different nations preaching gospel-hope to those nations!
Perhaps there is no other time during the year that a missionary feels more displaced than the holiday season. Their hearts will ache as they see their kids struggle with missing their grandparents, uncles and aunts, and cousins. They'll long for those special holiday dishes that their limited grocery access or budget (since American food is so expensive abroad) won't allow them to enjoy. The shipping rates are outrageous for many of them but they'll try to give their third culture kids a similar kind of Christmas they might have stateside. They will do this all while bearing their own burdens from the heavy load and stress of missionary living. But, they will do it without complaining. They knew this was part of the cost of leaving the comforts of home and the people they love most for something even better - seeing "the nations prove the glories of His righteousness and wonders of His love!"
So, here are a few *postage-free ways we might encourage our co-laborers in the gospel heading into the new year:
1) Did you know most of our missionaries have a Facebook account? Why not "friend" them and use this aspect of social media to send an encouraging greeting from your family to theirs? And have you noticed the "Gift" tab on your friends' walls? You can easily send gifts to missionary deputees and those home on furlough via this option. An email with the redemption information will be sent to their inbox. What coast to coast traveler can't use some Starbucks coffee to keep him/her awake?! Also, friending them on Facebook will help you know how best to pray for them in their current situations - like the Huffstutlers in Kenya with little Makalya just being diagnosed with viral pneumonia. (Keep posts on their walls general since some of them may be friends with those they are trying to evangelize. Also, don't forget to mention what church you're from to help put a face with a name.)
2) Purchase an iTunes gift card for them. Then send them the account number for it via Facebook message or email.
3) Pray Scripture for them and then encourage them by typing out or pasting from Bible Gateway the verses/passages you prayed.
4) Get your family and friends from church together to create a youtube video greeting for them.
5) Not everyone is in the jungle, so why not call a local pizza place near some church planters your church supports and pay to have a pizza delivered to their house or a fruit bouquet or a seasonal flower arrangement? Stateside church-planters need encouragement too!
6) Give this inexpensive booklet, "Gospel Meditations for Missions," as a stocking stuffer to yourself :) or your spouse or even your teen. Although your missionaries will not know you have purchased it, they will benefit from your use of it! Inter-City Christian Bookstore in Allen Park has plenty available for purchase. Here's the link so you know what you're looking for: http://www.churchworksmedia.com/2011/12/03/gospel-meditations-for-missions/
7) If your missionaries serve in the UK, you can check http://www.amazon.co.uk/ to find if they have created a wish list. You can then purchase something off their list and it will be shipped to them directly from the UK.
8) Pick-up the "Missions Prayer Guide" at your church and commit to praying more regularly for them throughout the new year.
Let's spread some joy to those spreading the greatest Joy to the world!
-----------------------------
*Some ideas from desiringgod.org
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
A Severe December
I can still see her beautiful face smiling at us through one of the windows in her front door as she waved to us through the other. She stood there until our car was out of sight.
With her eyes still on the road, Mom took the money Grandma gave us to buy a Christmas tree and stuck it in her wallet. When Grandma found out we needed money that night she didn't judge or lecture. She just gave and sent us on our way, loving unconditionally.
So off we went, hoping our loaned clunker of a car would make it to the roadside Christmas tree stand and home. Our hearts were lighter after seeing Grandma. She always seemed to make things better. It wasn't the money she gave. That actually didn't happen very often. It was her perspective that made the difference. Because of her hope in Jesus, she had a confidence and security that was a testimony to us, her single-parent daughter and timid granddaughter, in our uncertain world.
Mom and I sang Christmas songs as we drove and felt some of the anticipation of the season begin to well in our hearts. December was here! Maybe there would be snow! And only a few more weeks until I'd be out of school for break. We'd be together as a family for the holidays. It really was the most wonderful time of year!
Just a few short days later, the morning of December 13, Uncle Tommy and Aunt Brenda sent their precious bundled up Brienne, my cousin (although I loved that people often mistook us for sisters), off to her kindergarten class with her teacher, our beloved Grandma. Brienne had been rehearsing her lines for the upcoming Christmas program and knew them by memory. Christmas was just around the corner and there was so much to look forward to. Although, to a five year old, waiting a week and a half to open presents seemed like ages! Oh, the wonder of December!
But, the paradox of Christmas is that her inevitable companions are the best and worst of times. Polar opposites find common ground in December.
In an instant, a patch of ice coupled with snow accumulation caused Grandma's car to flip, spinning across the road and landing upside down in a nearby creek. Oh, the horror of December!
The shopping we expected to be doing in December wasn't for caskets. The snow crunching walks, arms linked with our loved ones, weren't supposed to reach two freshly dug graves. The anticipation shouldn't have been the terror of facing another day in this harsh new reality. Oh, December is severe!
But, as we would come to find out, so is mercy.
"[T]hough he was God, [He] did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself [of all that was rightly His as God], by being born in the likeness of men." (Philippians 2:6,7)
Jesus, born like us. A tiny helpless baby. It just doesn't seem right. The God who for eternity past never needed anything, now had human needs - like milk, like rest, like warmth. He who only knew self-sufficiency was now dependent. He who never knew the force of physical pain, or the drain of fighting temptation, or the throbbing headache and sick stomach and wet cheeks from weeping in deepest sorrow, now entered fallen time and space. The infinite humbled himself to experience all the burdens of the finite. Why did he willingly subject Himself to this severity?
"Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil—and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. For this reason he had to be made like them, fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are tempted." (Hebrews 2:14-18)
Tempted to what? Try and "whip God" by charging him with injustice? Grandpa found He could help with that. Tempted to lose confidence that he really is good? He's also able to help with that. Tempted to think He's not powerful enough to stop bad things from happening? There's help for that too.
If God subjected Jesus to such severity so He could show us mercy, how will he not also graciously give us all things? Like peace. Like a deep rooted joy. Like a lasting comfort. Like strength for today. Like eternal hope for the future. Like a secure, inseparable love. Like grace upon grace.
December is here. But, thank God, because of our faithful grief-bearing, sorrow-carrying Jesus, there are mercies inexhaustible, new every morning, ready for us each day of this wonderfully severe month.
With her eyes still on the road, Mom took the money Grandma gave us to buy a Christmas tree and stuck it in her wallet. When Grandma found out we needed money that night she didn't judge or lecture. She just gave and sent us on our way, loving unconditionally.
So off we went, hoping our loaned clunker of a car would make it to the roadside Christmas tree stand and home. Our hearts were lighter after seeing Grandma. She always seemed to make things better. It wasn't the money she gave. That actually didn't happen very often. It was her perspective that made the difference. Because of her hope in Jesus, she had a confidence and security that was a testimony to us, her single-parent daughter and timid granddaughter, in our uncertain world.
Mom and I sang Christmas songs as we drove and felt some of the anticipation of the season begin to well in our hearts. December was here! Maybe there would be snow! And only a few more weeks until I'd be out of school for break. We'd be together as a family for the holidays. It really was the most wonderful time of year!
Just a few short days later, the morning of December 13, Uncle Tommy and Aunt Brenda sent their precious bundled up Brienne, my cousin (although I loved that people often mistook us for sisters), off to her kindergarten class with her teacher, our beloved Grandma. Brienne had been rehearsing her lines for the upcoming Christmas program and knew them by memory. Christmas was just around the corner and there was so much to look forward to. Although, to a five year old, waiting a week and a half to open presents seemed like ages! Oh, the wonder of December!
But, the paradox of Christmas is that her inevitable companions are the best and worst of times. Polar opposites find common ground in December.
In an instant, a patch of ice coupled with snow accumulation caused Grandma's car to flip, spinning across the road and landing upside down in a nearby creek. Oh, the horror of December!
The shopping we expected to be doing in December wasn't for caskets. The snow crunching walks, arms linked with our loved ones, weren't supposed to reach two freshly dug graves. The anticipation shouldn't have been the terror of facing another day in this harsh new reality. Oh, December is severe!
But, as we would come to find out, so is mercy.
"[T]hough he was God, [He] did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself [of all that was rightly His as God], by being born in the likeness of men." (Philippians 2:6,7)
Jesus, born like us. A tiny helpless baby. It just doesn't seem right. The God who for eternity past never needed anything, now had human needs - like milk, like rest, like warmth. He who only knew self-sufficiency was now dependent. He who never knew the force of physical pain, or the drain of fighting temptation, or the throbbing headache and sick stomach and wet cheeks from weeping in deepest sorrow, now entered fallen time and space. The infinite humbled himself to experience all the burdens of the finite. Why did he willingly subject Himself to this severity?
"Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil—and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. For this reason he had to be made like them, fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are tempted." (Hebrews 2:14-18)
Tempted to what? Try and "whip God" by charging him with injustice? Grandpa found He could help with that. Tempted to lose confidence that he really is good? He's also able to help with that. Tempted to think He's not powerful enough to stop bad things from happening? There's help for that too.
If God subjected Jesus to such severity so He could show us mercy, how will he not also graciously give us all things? Like peace. Like a deep rooted joy. Like a lasting comfort. Like strength for today. Like eternal hope for the future. Like a secure, inseparable love. Like grace upon grace.
December is here. But, thank God, because of our faithful grief-bearing, sorrow-carrying Jesus, there are mercies inexhaustible, new every morning, ready for us each day of this wonderfully severe month.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
He Lives This Life of Grace Through All His Years
You might recognize this blog title as a line from an oldie, but a goodie, "Mark of a Man of God" by Steve Camp. That song takes me back to 11 years ago during your first year of seminary when you and Kevin Ball would blare it in your rental on University and then humble your hearts in earnest prayer that God would make you both into godly men like the song praises.
I'm a witness, honey, that God is answering your prayer. Today, on your birthday, in the spirit of Hebrews 13:7, I want to remember and honor you as one of God's appointed leaders in my life who speak the word of God to me. I want to consider the outcome of your way of life and by God's grace imitate your faith.
I know exactly what you are thinking because I know you better than anyone. "I'm the last person you should imitate." But as one of our favorites has recently pointed out, "God uses crooked sticks to draw straight lines." And He is drawing straight lines with your life.
I see your passion for those who don't know Christ and I'm compelled to tell others too. I see how you tirelessly work to draw others in and extend friendship and I'm motivated to move outside my comfort zone and reach out as well. I see how you respond in times of uncertainty when you're tempted to judge God with your senses but instead trust Him for grace. I see your brokenness as you face your sin and your determination to remedy those holes in your holiness. I see your love for the gospel and how it becomes sweeter to you with each passing year. I see you put your hand over your mouth when God is "crossing the fair designs you've schemed" and submit because you know He's working to release you from yourself and pride. And I've seen you fight for the joy of finding your all in Him.
Today marks 33 years for you. Of course as we celebrate your birthday we'll be celebrating the gift of life God has given you. But also remember to celebrate your death. "For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." (Colossians 3:3) Reminding yourself of your union with Christ is what will ensure you continue to draw straight lines and keep the faith. It will help you set the mark as I, and at least three others I know, keep the pace.
Happy Birthday to a godly man!
I'm a witness, honey, that God is answering your prayer. Today, on your birthday, in the spirit of Hebrews 13:7, I want to remember and honor you as one of God's appointed leaders in my life who speak the word of God to me. I want to consider the outcome of your way of life and by God's grace imitate your faith.
I know exactly what you are thinking because I know you better than anyone. "I'm the last person you should imitate." But as one of our favorites has recently pointed out, "God uses crooked sticks to draw straight lines." And He is drawing straight lines with your life.
I see your passion for those who don't know Christ and I'm compelled to tell others too. I see how you tirelessly work to draw others in and extend friendship and I'm motivated to move outside my comfort zone and reach out as well. I see how you respond in times of uncertainty when you're tempted to judge God with your senses but instead trust Him for grace. I see your brokenness as you face your sin and your determination to remedy those holes in your holiness. I see your love for the gospel and how it becomes sweeter to you with each passing year. I see you put your hand over your mouth when God is "crossing the fair designs you've schemed" and submit because you know He's working to release you from yourself and pride. And I've seen you fight for the joy of finding your all in Him.
Today marks 33 years for you. Of course as we celebrate your birthday we'll be celebrating the gift of life God has given you. But also remember to celebrate your death. "For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." (Colossians 3:3) Reminding yourself of your union with Christ is what will ensure you continue to draw straight lines and keep the faith. It will help you set the mark as I, and at least three others I know, keep the pace.
Happy Birthday to a godly man!
Monday, August 27, 2012
The Owen Homeschool Rises
The Second Grade's Shining Star
She's ready to punctuate sentences, divide and multiply, stop cursing "pre-cursive" handwriting, leave a few less books unread in the world, and embrace flying creatures of the 5th day. Starting with this one...
The Batgirl Preschooler
Why's she so serious? Because phonics is no joke to her. Numbers and shapes aren't the bane of her existence. This caped crusader is ready to make the halls of the Owen house cleared of thugs. Starting with this one...
The Two {Faced} Year Old
This kid can't be trusted. He'll wink at you with one eye while the other is scanning your purse for gum he can confiscate while the rest of the family is enthralled with Lucy and Mr. Tumnus. He'll flash a wrinkled nose smile and blow you kisses before eating your chap stick and body slamming your baby doll. Heads he takes your toy with a grin...tails he takes your toy anyway. He can charm most everyone, except for this one...Commissioner Caffeine
[reading from the book "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens]
"I see a beautiful city and a brilliant people rising from this abyss. I
see the lives for which I lay down my life, peaceful, useful,
prosperous and happy. I see that I hold a sanctuary in their hearts, and
in the hearts of their descendants, generations hence. It is a far, far
better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better
rest that I go to, than I have ever known."
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Shine Like a Star
On Thursday morning, July 28, 2005, I was 3 days past my due date. I was permanently walking in a wading pool also known as my ankles. I could've been confused with a certain large "house" in Ann Arbor. And I was in Dr. Schiebout's office begging her to induce me.
She had pity on my pathetic self, and later that evening, we first laid eyes on your beautiful face. I had no idea what in the world I had gotten myself into. I remember catching your eye from your little crib beside my bed at the hospital, and feeling sorry for you that you were stuck with me as your mother. It was like an awkward introduction where no one really knows what to say or where to go from there. And I really didn't. I felt very ill-equipped for the task of being a mom.
So my nightstand was tipping with the books I would consult when you made the littlest wimper or did something (everything!) I couldn't interpret. I wrote down how many wet and dirty diapers you had per day like I was an accountant balancing the books. Ammy was staying with us to help and it was all hands on deck for even the simplest task.
Seven years! Wow. I remember not wanting to put you down in your crib at night because I knew in the morning you'd be bigger than you were the night before. And now you are so tall you almost come to my shoulders. You're not only getting bigger physically but you're also continuing to grow in your maturity. I think I almost burst into tears on the spot this week when I heard you tell Ruby, "I used to like playing princess but I just don't anymore." Where is the time going?!
This past year our relationship took a bit of a twist as I also became your First Grade Teacher. You were an eager learner and a diligent listener. I admire those qualities in you. It's rare you meet a topic about which you don't want to know more. For the most part, it is as rewarding being your teacher as it is being your mom. I love the little notes you leave me on the back of your tests, "I love you, Ma!" and "I hate Math!" And the note you taped above my desk, "You're the best reading teacher ever." It's a joy hearing you say, "I get it! I get it so much!", when I'm explaining a concept to you.
I mentioned here one of the biggest thrills of the year has been watching you devour books. It all came together for you this year, and you would think you had popped an extra appendage from your body since a book is so frequently in your hand! From Paddington to Pippi, to The Sign of the Beaver and The Secret Garden, you can't get enough. You think so much about what you're reading and I love hearing it come out as we go through our days. Like last week when we passed a combine doing its thing on the farm (a country girl I am not!) and you talked about Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh scurrying for safety. And the other night when you handed me the green pepper you just washed and exclaimed, "It's a pig and pepper!", referencing a chapter in Alice in Wonderland.
But, as a friend so aptly put it, "Most importantly we learn to read so we can read the Bible." Several months ago you initiated reading through the Bible in 2-years and have done a pretty good job persevering in that endeavor. My love for Scripture is being renewed as I hear you learn and apply it to your life. "I started Luke last night and the story of Jesus just starts over again. I didn't expect that!" So we had a good conversation about the purpose of the Synoptics, to which you replied, "I get it! I get it so much!" :) Then another time, your humble realization, "I need to read Proverbs, Psalms, and Ecclesiastes and the [other] Wisdom Books because wisdom is what I need!" And, we love hearing our timid girl apply the Word to scary things. "I told myself tonight when I was riding my bike, that even if I wreck, I'm good, because to die is gain for me!"
Much to our delight, dying really is gain for you now after you made a profession of faith early last fall. Since then, I can't help but think of our Stella, whose name means "star," being one of the numerous stars Abraham saw when God gave him that bursting-with-hope promise long ago, recorded for us in Genesis 15:5: "[God] took [Abraham] outside and said, 'Look up at the heavens and count the
stars--if indeed you can count them.' Then he said to him, 'So shall
your offspring be.'" As pastor and author Marty Machowski writes, "God had an even bigger family in mind when he said that Abraham would be the father of a multitude...God calls everyone who follows Jesus a [child] of Abraham (Galatians 3:7)."
As you know, Jesus, the bright Morning Star, has now given you, our star, a mission. He has called you to hold firmly to the word of life, so you can shine among this generation like a star in the sky. (Phil 2:15,16) So shine brightly for Jesus, Stella Grace! Don't put that light under a bowl. Shine it out in the open for everyone to see and believe for themselves how great your Savior is! (Matthew 5:15, 16)
She had pity on my pathetic self, and later that evening, we first laid eyes on your beautiful face. I had no idea what in the world I had gotten myself into. I remember catching your eye from your little crib beside my bed at the hospital, and feeling sorry for you that you were stuck with me as your mother. It was like an awkward introduction where no one really knows what to say or where to go from there. And I really didn't. I felt very ill-equipped for the task of being a mom.
So my nightstand was tipping with the books I would consult when you made the littlest wimper or did something (everything!) I couldn't interpret. I wrote down how many wet and dirty diapers you had per day like I was an accountant balancing the books. Ammy was staying with us to help and it was all hands on deck for even the simplest task.
I laugh now thinking back on how hard everything seemed to be. And although I certainly wasn't a "natural" at much of anything maternal, God has graciously helped me these past seven years, and we've made it this far by His grace. He knows a little something about nurturing and caring for children, after all, and it's only been true of my experience that "He gently leads those that have young." (Isaiah 40:11b) (So take heart you overwhelmed first-time moms and soon-to-be moms! Look to Him!)
Seven years! Wow. I remember not wanting to put you down in your crib at night because I knew in the morning you'd be bigger than you were the night before. And now you are so tall you almost come to my shoulders. You're not only getting bigger physically but you're also continuing to grow in your maturity. I think I almost burst into tears on the spot this week when I heard you tell Ruby, "I used to like playing princess but I just don't anymore." Where is the time going?! 
This past year our relationship took a bit of a twist as I also became your First Grade Teacher. You were an eager learner and a diligent listener. I admire those qualities in you. It's rare you meet a topic about which you don't want to know more. For the most part, it is as rewarding being your teacher as it is being your mom. I love the little notes you leave me on the back of your tests, "I love you, Ma!" and "I hate Math!" And the note you taped above my desk, "You're the best reading teacher ever." It's a joy hearing you say, "I get it! I get it so much!", when I'm explaining a concept to you.
I mentioned here one of the biggest thrills of the year has been watching you devour books. It all came together for you this year, and you would think you had popped an extra appendage from your body since a book is so frequently in your hand! From Paddington to Pippi, to The Sign of the Beaver and The Secret Garden, you can't get enough. You think so much about what you're reading and I love hearing it come out as we go through our days. Like last week when we passed a combine doing its thing on the farm (a country girl I am not!) and you talked about Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh scurrying for safety. And the other night when you handed me the green pepper you just washed and exclaimed, "It's a pig and pepper!", referencing a chapter in Alice in Wonderland. 
But, as a friend so aptly put it, "Most importantly we learn to read so we can read the Bible." Several months ago you initiated reading through the Bible in 2-years and have done a pretty good job persevering in that endeavor. My love for Scripture is being renewed as I hear you learn and apply it to your life. "I started Luke last night and the story of Jesus just starts over again. I didn't expect that!" So we had a good conversation about the purpose of the Synoptics, to which you replied, "I get it! I get it so much!" :) Then another time, your humble realization, "I need to read Proverbs, Psalms, and Ecclesiastes and the [other] Wisdom Books because wisdom is what I need!" And, we love hearing our timid girl apply the Word to scary things. "I told myself tonight when I was riding my bike, that even if I wreck, I'm good, because to die is gain for me!"
As you know, Jesus, the bright Morning Star, has now given you, our star, a mission. He has called you to hold firmly to the word of life, so you can shine among this generation like a star in the sky. (Phil 2:15,16) So shine brightly for Jesus, Stella Grace! Don't put that light under a bowl. Shine it out in the open for everyone to see and believe for themselves how great your Savior is! (Matthew 5:15, 16)
Monday, June 25, 2012
Godly Women Are Even Stronger Than Spiderman
As I lie here next to you in our cabin at camp, we are experiencing the
calm following the storm of your not being able to go back to the pool
after lunch so you can take a nap. I don't have the covers pulled over
me and in true Ruby fashion you notice and reach for them, trying to
make sure I'm warm enough.
My sadness over celebrating your fourth birthday catches me off guard. These past years with you have been long in some respects, but I'm not quite ready to leave them behind. You have really been my Ruby - a mama's girl through and through. I will miss your tiny frame curled up in my lap, hanging off my leg, plastered against me, reaching up for me. I'll miss hearing those needy cries for "Mama!" in your sweet little voice. Like when, a few months ago, you called for me at 4 AM because your back was itching.
But you're getting bigger - in years anyway- even though the scale doesn't show it much. You're riding your bike without training wheels and scaling 15 foot fences. I know you'll tackle this next phase with even more determination and less need for me, and I think that's what makes me sad. And, to be honest, a little bit fearful. As those feelings surface, God takes me back to our beginning.
Early Lessons Still Carrying Me Through
My pregnancy with you was one of the most fearful times of my life. I was so scared of losing another baby. We were pretty sure we found the problem as to why my body terminated our two previous pregnancies but weren't sure I would respond to the treatment prescribed. So, over and over, I committed you to God's care and rested in wisdom not my own. I cannot count the many roller coaster ultrasounds, NSTs, and other tests we went through with some disconcerting results. Finally, when they decided to take you two weeks early, even the doctors were relieved to get the pregnancy over with and get you into my arms as soon as possible! We had all had enough of your shenanigans! Little did I know they were really just beginning!
You came out looking so much like your dad, complete with the strawberry blond hair he had as a baby. I didn't want you out of my sight. The nurse bathing you couldn't believe how strong you were - amazingly so since you were just a tiny 6 pounder. And I couldn't believe how angry you were! Most babies are fine with colostrum. But I think you cried the entire 36 hours until you got milk. So much so, your dad tried rolling you into our bathroom at the hospital to give us a break from your screaming. Oh, Ruby! How well acquainted we've become with that angry scream over the years!
You walked early and showed good coordination for a toddler, often motivating your 3-years-older- than-you sister to try new things in order to keep up with you. You have been known to ascend the shopping cart at the grocery store, impressing the cashier as you lift what seems to be twice your body weight in groceries loading the conveyor belt for me. It really wasn't that surprising when two different times this past year in gymnastics your coach told me, "She's going to be really good. She's fearless, she's flexible, she listens, she's coordinated. And she's only three." He encouraged me to help you pursue gymnastics more seriously. Your interest in physical activities coupled with your thrill for adventure has drawn you to the likes of Spiderman, Superman, and Batman. You are always dressing up like a superhero pretending to climb walls, leap buildings, get the mean guys, and "fight, fight, fight." If you aren't in your superhero get-up you'll often be found wearing tennis shoes, a baseball cap, your Buckeyes t-shirt, and jeans. I'll never forget the time you told me you didn't want to go to church if you couldn't wear your beloved tennis shoes!
I'll admit, this past year with you has been another one of growth and learning for me. I thought I knew how to start a little girl down the path of femininity toward biblical womanhood. But that was before I encountered a Ruby. As is your modus operendi, you continue to shake things up for me and keep me returning to those early lessons of committing you to God's care and trusting in wisdom not my own!
Strong Arming the Caricature
As I mentioned here, I used this book as a devotional early on with Stella and now with you. As you've become more verbal you've let me know how much you dislike it. I began to look at it thru your eyes and realize that you do not connect at all with the soft pastel colors and the pearls and lace pictures. And actually the more I looked at them, I realized that the matchy-matchiness kind of annoys me too. I've heard many a woman confuse the character of a godly woman with a certain type of outward appearance and specific personality traits. The pictures in the book are a caricature I want to avoid portraying to you as you set out learning what it really means to be a godly woman. But, what I do love about the book, and what you need to learn from it, is what God wants us to strive to be as women found in the ideal of the woman with the panoply of Christian virtue from Proverbs 31. So, I try to keep the necessary message of Scripture, but every application ends with us flexing our muscles and saying something like, "Godly women are strong women because Jesus was strong for them and helps them...work hard...be dependable...plan ahead...fear the Lord...trust Him with the future." And, much to my chagrin, all of this muscle flexing has been quite convicting to me.
I've been forced to deal with the question if when you look at my life you see a woman who is using her femininity for tough gospel-living? Or do you see a woman preoccupied with flowery beds of ease like the latest recipes, decorating techniques, beauty regimens, TV shows, fashion trends, fitness pursuits, or good, but distracted, priorities? I want you to see me doing hard things for God's glory. I want you to see me doing things that Candice Olson, Giada De Laurentiis, and the average soccer mom across the street can't do. And that's using my womanhood, and the roles and responsibilities that come with it, to draw attention to a God who has called me to go against what the culture (and even Christian culture) says a woman needs to do and should be. Yes, I need to care for my family and create a home for them - and I want to do it creatively and enjoy the tasks - but I don't want that to be the be sum of my womanhood. How much I will have missed the point of God's design if it is!
Why Is This So Important, Anyway?
So what is the point of God's design and why is it paramount for you to learn and for me to model? Because, as John Piper describes here, "True womanhood is a distinctive calling of God to display the glory of His Son in ways that would not be displayed if there were no womanhood...our womanhood was made for the glory of Christ." If showing the greatness of Christ is at stake, it's a very big deal for us to get it right!
One way I can know I'm getting it right is by following the inspired example of women in the Bible.
Take Hannah. Devastated by years of unfulfilled longings and enduring the mockery and taunting of Penina. Yet the persistence of the trials softened her rough edges evidenced by her gracious response to Eli when he accused her of being drunk. There's a strong, persevering woman who allowed a trial to have it's full, God-intended effect. (Listen here for more exposition on the life of Hannah.)
Then there's Esther. Having a beauty regimen was a priority of hers, but more importantly, we remember her because she had guts for God's glory. She risks her life for the sake of God's name and the good of God's people, saying, "If I perish, I perish."
And how can we forget Mary, Jesus' mother? She, the finite, gave birth to the infinite, making her interactions and relationship with her God-man son perplexing, for sure. There were still so many unanswered questions and things she didn't understand about Him and the big picture of God's plan. But she trusted, and amazingly enough, not only submitted to Him herself, but encouraged others to as well. "Do whatever he tells you to do," she instructs the servants in John 2. As a young girl, she had learned that the strength of a woman following God wasn't in demanding her rights, but in surrendering her rights to His way in faith even without seeing the end. "I am the Lord's servant...May your word to me be fulfilled." (Luke 1)
We can also get it right by following the example of women through church history.
I think of Ann Judson, wife of imprisoned missionary to Burma, Adoniram Judson. I thought being pregnant was difficult, but when she was pregnant, "she walked two miles daily to the palace to plead that Judson was not a spy [the charges for which he was being wrongly imprisoned] and that they should have mercy." After their daughter, Maria, was born, "Ann was almost as sick and thin as her [gaunt] husband, but she still pursued him, with her baby, to take care of him as she could. Her milk dried up, and the jailer had mercy on them and actually let Judson take the baby each evening into the village fettered and beg for women to nurse his baby. On November 4, 1825, Judson was suddenly released...The long ordeal was over - seventeen months in prison on the brink of death, with his wife sacrificing herself and her baby to care for him as she could. Ann's health was broken. Eleven months later she died. And six months later their daughter died." Were their lives given in vain? More likely God used a relentless woman, committed to her husband and their gospel labors, to continue the pattern of suffering "for spiritual breakthrough in a dark and unreached place. " (Piper, Filling Up the Afflictions of Christ, 100-101)
And my heroine, Elisabeth Elliot. Her husband is murdered by a savage people. She and her toddler daughter go live among the murderers because she knows God is powerful enough to change their murderous hearts into God-loving hearts. He isn't getting their worship and she knows He deserves it.
And lastly, we can get it right by looking around us at the godly friends God has given us through the churches of which we've been part.
There's CiCi, our 40-something recently widowed friend with two young kids who tells me, "Erica, through this all, the phrase I often say is, "'Lord, I can't wait to see what You're going to do and how You're going to use it!"' It reminds me Who holds today and tomorrow."
We can watch Liz, wife and mom of 4 kids, who is moving to what would be considered an "unsafe" area in Detroit to reach the neglected and poverty-stricken with the gospel riches they can have in Christ.
And Carol, a missionary our church supports, who just finished an over 3-year battle with a tumor in her jaw which required numerous surgeries with the expected pain, embarassing physical side effects, and a radically restricted diet. Her medical care requires extended separation from those she loves most - her husband and kids. During all of the physical trials, her Dad passes away. This, added with previous difficulties of losing children during pregnancy, trying church circumstances when her husband was a pastor, and a house fire, and you see her life depicting the hymn line "when sorrows like sea billows roll." She barely has enough time to stand before another wave of sorrow comes crashing in. But she knows that through many hardships she must enter the kingdom (Acts 14:22). This is the often the cost of bringing the gospel to the nations and she still says, "Here am I! Send me!"
True Strength and Super-Power
So, my dear Ruby, I know you are impressed with the exploits of Spiderman and his friends. But there's a real life, not a make believe one, waiting for you with adventure and toughness that not even the likes of Spidey can sustain. It's the life of being a Christian woman. A strong Christian woman, with all the power that raised Jesus from the dead at work within you and through you! So, receive this power, my strong girl, and use your womanhood to attempt seemingly impossible feats for Jesus - turning not just buildings upside down, but the whole world upside down, for the sake of His name! "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses...to the ends of the earth." (Acts 1:8)
My sadness over celebrating your fourth birthday catches me off guard. These past years with you have been long in some respects, but I'm not quite ready to leave them behind. You have really been my Ruby - a mama's girl through and through. I will miss your tiny frame curled up in my lap, hanging off my leg, plastered against me, reaching up for me. I'll miss hearing those needy cries for "Mama!" in your sweet little voice. Like when, a few months ago, you called for me at 4 AM because your back was itching.
But you're getting bigger - in years anyway- even though the scale doesn't show it much. You're riding your bike without training wheels and scaling 15 foot fences. I know you'll tackle this next phase with even more determination and less need for me, and I think that's what makes me sad. And, to be honest, a little bit fearful. As those feelings surface, God takes me back to our beginning.
Early Lessons Still Carrying Me Through
My pregnancy with you was one of the most fearful times of my life. I was so scared of losing another baby. We were pretty sure we found the problem as to why my body terminated our two previous pregnancies but weren't sure I would respond to the treatment prescribed. So, over and over, I committed you to God's care and rested in wisdom not my own. I cannot count the many roller coaster ultrasounds, NSTs, and other tests we went through with some disconcerting results. Finally, when they decided to take you two weeks early, even the doctors were relieved to get the pregnancy over with and get you into my arms as soon as possible! We had all had enough of your shenanigans! Little did I know they were really just beginning!
You came out looking so much like your dad, complete with the strawberry blond hair he had as a baby. I didn't want you out of my sight. The nurse bathing you couldn't believe how strong you were - amazingly so since you were just a tiny 6 pounder. And I couldn't believe how angry you were! Most babies are fine with colostrum. But I think you cried the entire 36 hours until you got milk. So much so, your dad tried rolling you into our bathroom at the hospital to give us a break from your screaming. Oh, Ruby! How well acquainted we've become with that angry scream over the years!
You walked early and showed good coordination for a toddler, often motivating your 3-years-older- than-you sister to try new things in order to keep up with you. You have been known to ascend the shopping cart at the grocery store, impressing the cashier as you lift what seems to be twice your body weight in groceries loading the conveyor belt for me. It really wasn't that surprising when two different times this past year in gymnastics your coach told me, "She's going to be really good. She's fearless, she's flexible, she listens, she's coordinated. And she's only three." He encouraged me to help you pursue gymnastics more seriously. Your interest in physical activities coupled with your thrill for adventure has drawn you to the likes of Spiderman, Superman, and Batman. You are always dressing up like a superhero pretending to climb walls, leap buildings, get the mean guys, and "fight, fight, fight." If you aren't in your superhero get-up you'll often be found wearing tennis shoes, a baseball cap, your Buckeyes t-shirt, and jeans. I'll never forget the time you told me you didn't want to go to church if you couldn't wear your beloved tennis shoes!
I'll admit, this past year with you has been another one of growth and learning for me. I thought I knew how to start a little girl down the path of femininity toward biblical womanhood. But that was before I encountered a Ruby. As is your modus operendi, you continue to shake things up for me and keep me returning to those early lessons of committing you to God's care and trusting in wisdom not my own!
Strong Arming the Caricature
As I mentioned here, I used this book as a devotional early on with Stella and now with you. As you've become more verbal you've let me know how much you dislike it. I began to look at it thru your eyes and realize that you do not connect at all with the soft pastel colors and the pearls and lace pictures. And actually the more I looked at them, I realized that the matchy-matchiness kind of annoys me too. I've heard many a woman confuse the character of a godly woman with a certain type of outward appearance and specific personality traits. The pictures in the book are a caricature I want to avoid portraying to you as you set out learning what it really means to be a godly woman. But, what I do love about the book, and what you need to learn from it, is what God wants us to strive to be as women found in the ideal of the woman with the panoply of Christian virtue from Proverbs 31. So, I try to keep the necessary message of Scripture, but every application ends with us flexing our muscles and saying something like, "Godly women are strong women because Jesus was strong for them and helps them...work hard...be dependable...plan ahead...fear the Lord...trust Him with the future." And, much to my chagrin, all of this muscle flexing has been quite convicting to me.
I've been forced to deal with the question if when you look at my life you see a woman who is using her femininity for tough gospel-living? Or do you see a woman preoccupied with flowery beds of ease like the latest recipes, decorating techniques, beauty regimens, TV shows, fashion trends, fitness pursuits, or good, but distracted, priorities? I want you to see me doing hard things for God's glory. I want you to see me doing things that Candice Olson, Giada De Laurentiis, and the average soccer mom across the street can't do. And that's using my womanhood, and the roles and responsibilities that come with it, to draw attention to a God who has called me to go against what the culture (and even Christian culture) says a woman needs to do and should be. Yes, I need to care for my family and create a home for them - and I want to do it creatively and enjoy the tasks - but I don't want that to be the be sum of my womanhood. How much I will have missed the point of God's design if it is!
Why Is This So Important, Anyway?
So what is the point of God's design and why is it paramount for you to learn and for me to model? Because, as John Piper describes here, "True womanhood is a distinctive calling of God to display the glory of His Son in ways that would not be displayed if there were no womanhood...our womanhood was made for the glory of Christ." If showing the greatness of Christ is at stake, it's a very big deal for us to get it right!
One way I can know I'm getting it right is by following the inspired example of women in the Bible.
Take Hannah. Devastated by years of unfulfilled longings and enduring the mockery and taunting of Penina. Yet the persistence of the trials softened her rough edges evidenced by her gracious response to Eli when he accused her of being drunk. There's a strong, persevering woman who allowed a trial to have it's full, God-intended effect. (Listen here for more exposition on the life of Hannah.)
Then there's Esther. Having a beauty regimen was a priority of hers, but more importantly, we remember her because she had guts for God's glory. She risks her life for the sake of God's name and the good of God's people, saying, "If I perish, I perish."
And how can we forget Mary, Jesus' mother? She, the finite, gave birth to the infinite, making her interactions and relationship with her God-man son perplexing, for sure. There were still so many unanswered questions and things she didn't understand about Him and the big picture of God's plan. But she trusted, and amazingly enough, not only submitted to Him herself, but encouraged others to as well. "Do whatever he tells you to do," she instructs the servants in John 2. As a young girl, she had learned that the strength of a woman following God wasn't in demanding her rights, but in surrendering her rights to His way in faith even without seeing the end. "I am the Lord's servant...May your word to me be fulfilled." (Luke 1)
We can also get it right by following the example of women through church history.
I think of Ann Judson, wife of imprisoned missionary to Burma, Adoniram Judson. I thought being pregnant was difficult, but when she was pregnant, "she walked two miles daily to the palace to plead that Judson was not a spy [the charges for which he was being wrongly imprisoned] and that they should have mercy." After their daughter, Maria, was born, "Ann was almost as sick and thin as her [gaunt] husband, but she still pursued him, with her baby, to take care of him as she could. Her milk dried up, and the jailer had mercy on them and actually let Judson take the baby each evening into the village fettered and beg for women to nurse his baby. On November 4, 1825, Judson was suddenly released...The long ordeal was over - seventeen months in prison on the brink of death, with his wife sacrificing herself and her baby to care for him as she could. Ann's health was broken. Eleven months later she died. And six months later their daughter died." Were their lives given in vain? More likely God used a relentless woman, committed to her husband and their gospel labors, to continue the pattern of suffering "for spiritual breakthrough in a dark and unreached place. " (Piper, Filling Up the Afflictions of Christ, 100-101)
And my heroine, Elisabeth Elliot. Her husband is murdered by a savage people. She and her toddler daughter go live among the murderers because she knows God is powerful enough to change their murderous hearts into God-loving hearts. He isn't getting their worship and she knows He deserves it.
And lastly, we can get it right by looking around us at the godly friends God has given us through the churches of which we've been part.
There's CiCi, our 40-something recently widowed friend with two young kids who tells me, "Erica, through this all, the phrase I often say is, "'Lord, I can't wait to see what You're going to do and how You're going to use it!"' It reminds me Who holds today and tomorrow."
We can watch Liz, wife and mom of 4 kids, who is moving to what would be considered an "unsafe" area in Detroit to reach the neglected and poverty-stricken with the gospel riches they can have in Christ.
And Carol, a missionary our church supports, who just finished an over 3-year battle with a tumor in her jaw which required numerous surgeries with the expected pain, embarassing physical side effects, and a radically restricted diet. Her medical care requires extended separation from those she loves most - her husband and kids. During all of the physical trials, her Dad passes away. This, added with previous difficulties of losing children during pregnancy, trying church circumstances when her husband was a pastor, and a house fire, and you see her life depicting the hymn line "when sorrows like sea billows roll." She barely has enough time to stand before another wave of sorrow comes crashing in. But she knows that through many hardships she must enter the kingdom (Acts 14:22). This is the often the cost of bringing the gospel to the nations and she still says, "Here am I! Send me!"
True Strength and Super-Power
So, my dear Ruby, I know you are impressed with the exploits of Spiderman and his friends. But there's a real life, not a make believe one, waiting for you with adventure and toughness that not even the likes of Spidey can sustain. It's the life of being a Christian woman. A strong Christian woman, with all the power that raised Jesus from the dead at work within you and through you! So, receive this power, my strong girl, and use your womanhood to attempt seemingly impossible feats for Jesus - turning not just buildings upside down, but the whole world upside down, for the sake of His name! "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses...to the ends of the earth." (Acts 1:8)
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Receive the Glory for Ten Imperfect, but Blessed, Years
Ten years ago tomorrow, on a rather overcast and chilly late spring/early summer day, you, a 22-year-old second year seminary student and Call Center employee, emaciated from bachelor life, took me, a 26-year-old grad student and Public Housing Manager to be your lawfully wedded wife.
In three short months, we fell in love over reformed theology, missions, the church, and the God of them all. We got engaged in November and married just over six months later (6 months too long, as we've often joked!).
You moved me to metro-Detroit and carried me over the threshold in our first home at Southgate Park Apartments. You had set up "house" and decorated for me and I loved it. Home was where my heart was and that happened to be wherever you were. Never mind the windows were so drafty my hair would blow in the breeze standing inside the apartment. And who cared that the roof was so unreliable it blew off within our first month and a half of marriage, drywall crashing down on your head and water flooding our apartment? It didn't bother us! The long distance dating was over and we were together.
We quickly started into a routine working opposite shifts - me early mornings and you late nights. After that, it wasn't too long before another semester of seminary began and Hebrew studies made our carefree honeymoon days seem like a lifetime before!
And as those weeks passed, it wasn't too long either, before I began to be haunted by Scripture verses about marriage I thought I would easily be able to obey when the time came. But instead, I found myself trying to ignore, dismiss, and explain them away with what I considered to be some legitimate excuses. And frankly, my struggles ticked me off. Although I wouldn't dare verbalize my self-righteousness, I really thought if anyone could pull this wife thing off without a hitch it would be me. I had spent the past five years studying the Bible, counseling myself, reading Jay Adams, and pouring over case studies of how to help people change.
So, God in His wisdom brought you along and made me love as I'd never loved before so He could unravel my self-sufficiency. He placed me in front of the mirror of marriage and with gentle, sovereign care, measured each revelation with divine mercy. Bit by bit He opened my eyes to His rivals being exposed in my idolatrous heart.
Testing my Submission...to Him
One area of nagging conviction was that I was horribly failing the test of submission. I knew that the true test of submission wasn't when we agreed but when we disagreed. Who isn't happy and easy-going when she's getting her own way? And boy did my idolatrous heart love having its own way! I loved my own thoughts and plans. And I wasn't too into bearing the fruit of patience and self-control to follow your lead when you didn't share equal love for them!
I remember one specific argument in our apartment kitchen. I wasn't backing down. And instead of your backing down and being passive and letting me have my way to keep me "happy," you stood toe to toe with me, literally.
You didn't invoke your role ("I'm the leader here and you have to listen to what I say!") nor did you have pity on me and label me as an emotional, irrational woman that you had to "manage." You engaged me as someone who was equal to you in worth and had an opinion that mattered. You didn't see your role or position as something to be grasped (sound familiar?) but humbled yourself and patiently tried to work through things. Your example startled my proud heart. And although the matter wasn't resolved on the spot, that argument was a definite turning point in our marriage.
God was revealing in my idolatrous heart that my real struggle wasn't with submission to you but with submission to Him. I didn't want to submit to the fact that He had control over you and I didn't.
Rewriting the End
But God was working all these things together for our good. He helped me see that the Bible wasn't a book for perfect marriages, but was for all marriages that exist on the face of this earth - imperfect ones. And obedience to that book was the answer to working through all the imperfections. He used a timely challenge from Claudia Doran on the sin of idolizing our husbands; whether it be idolizing what we wish our husbands were (if they're "bad" husbands) or what they actually are (if they're "good" husbands). He also used a book I was reading, Lives of the Three Mrs. Judsons, about the spectacular wives of missionary Adoniram Judson, who each left him a widower. Nothing tempers your role of a wife as much as realizing how replaceable you really are! And so I began to look beyond our marriage, realizing that it was not the end God had intended for me. It was a means to the true and rewarding end of enjoying Him and glorifying Him. In searching out ways to enjoy Him and make Him look great through our union, I actually began to find great joy in you too!
Love Grew More Love
Thankfully, our good God wasn't done with us yet. Along came an unbelievable delight to our family, sweet Stella Grace. The surprise of our life-changing love for her made us eager to have more children. About a year and half later God gave us another precious baby girl we never got to hold. And then about 6 months after that, a dear baby boy we can't wait to see in heaven.
Once again, my friend and mentor Claudia came to my side. She wept with me, but wisely warned me, "Erica, these losses can tear couples apart. Men and women grieve differently and it can be very hurtful to the other spouse if you don't guard your heart and prepare yourself to work through the struggle together."
God was so gracious to us in the long months that followed. Thankfully, He didn't add to our grief by having us struggle against each other. And although we did grieve in different ways, we both were crushed. I've never seen you cry like you did at our own little memorial we had after our first loss. You posted here about a truth that carried you through that time. I tried clinging to the truth of God's goodness as well, but my anger was welling. God was opening my eyes to another corner of my idolatrous heart. Hadn't I had enough trials I'd worked through in my young life? I thought my quota was met. And the counsel from Scripture that had helped me through those difficulties of the past weren't granting my soul rest this time. My faith in the character of God was shaken to the core and I was skeptical of His care for us.
One morning our paths converged at the coffee pot and I pretty much blurted out, "If Jesus says, '"If you ask your father for a piece of bread what kind of father would he be to give you a stone?"', then why is God giving us a stone?!"
How often I have gone back to the wise words you spoke to me that morning. You reminded me of the hard life in this fallen, sinful world and of a God who righted the wrongs to His own hurt. You brought me to the cross and showed me Jesus' nail scarred hands and told me He tasted our deepest griefs and sorrows to take away the eternal effect of devastating blows like what we were going through.
And God in His mercy opened my eyes to see afresh His goodness to me in Jesus. I've never forgotten it. Or gotten over it since.
The Sands of Time are Sinking
Here we are about five years since that morning conversation at the coffee pot. God is continuing to use our marriage to pry idols from my heart's embrace. He is changing my heart in the process and inclining it to you in the right ways - so much so that I long to be the first fruit of your ministry (thank you to Linda Minnick for that challenge). I want to be saved from my self-love and learn from you and benefit from your observations on ways I am lagging behind in my walk with Him. Often you talk through what you're learning and in a sense "preach" to me first. I want a pliable heart that responds to His Word through you. I hope that at the end of your ministry, one life you've effected to the praise of His glory will stand above the others as more humbled by free grace, motivated by the gospel, captivated by God's glory in the face of Jesus, and obedient to His Word than the rest...mine!
To many, even after ten years of marriage, we're just starting out. And maybe we are. Maybe we have decades more together to go hard for the sake of the gospel and the spread of His fame. That's what we want. But we don't know the end of our story. We know in the eternal scheme of things, it will be a short one. I hope it will be a glorious one too, though. Not because there's anything uniquely great about either of us. Quite the contrary. But we have a great God who has utterly convinced us of His greatness and His goodness and we want His glory to be magnified because of our lives together. On June 15, 2002, we set out asking God to make a name for Himself in our marriage with Psalm 115:1 being our theme verse. Ten years later, the prayer of our hearts hasn't changed:
"Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory,
for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!" Amen.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Child Training...What's the Church Got To Do With It?
We love our local church. We believe local establishments of the universal church are where God is doing His work in the world today. He ordained a visual reality of the invisible, to bear witness to the world of His relationship to His people, who submit to Jesus as their Head, and live out His priorities providing a light in the darkness. So, we orient our family life around the mission of our church. Our family calendar is happily organized according to our church's calendar. We live in a close knit community with other members of our body for accountability, edification, correction, and mutual instruction. And we do this out of necessity, not obligation. We firmly believe we need each other. Our Christian lives are less than they should be if we aren't in it together. That's the way God intended it.
In local churches, God uses many means to build His people up to maturity. One of the main means He uses is the preaching and teaching of His Word by our pastors and teachers to instruct us line upon line, precept upon precept. One of our pastors in college said that expositional preaching will help a person easily discern teaching that doesn't match up with the Word of God. He or she might not be able to articulate all the reasons why, but the error will be readily apparent since he or she is well taught in Scripture.
So, how does our commitment to and need for the church connect with training our children?
The Church Helps Train Our Children
Our children are also learning from what is taught at church through us as their parents reiterating it to them (Deuteronomy 6), the older men and women in the church informally training them (Titus 2), and directly from their pastors and teachers. I was reminded of what our previous pastor said (mentioned above) when we were at the hospital getting x-rays for Ruby last month. The controversial Easter "Newsweek" was prominently displayed on the side table in the waiting room. Stella saw the cover and ran over to it saying, "Jesus!" Her excitement turned to a look of bewilderment after she read the headline, "Forget the Church, Follow Jesus". I hadn't seen the magazine yet, but she came over to me and said, "Something doesn't seem quite right about this, Mom." I asked her what it said and then asked her what her problem was with the statement. She said, "Well, don't we follow Jesus by being part of the church?" Amen, Stell! The instruction she is receiving at CBC is serving her well by equipping her to discern truth from error.
Our Children Help The Church Hold To Sound Doctrine
The local church is only as strong as its members. In our suburban area, that means our church is only as strong as the families represented. A few months back, I read an article by Dr. Gerald Priest, former Church History Professor at DBTS, and another piece of the parenting puzzle came together for me. He writes:
A few resources we've found helpful are the Catechism itself located here (and updated as indicated above). Some friends recommended these CDs several years back and we love all of them! (Only Volume 1 is linked to, but there are currently 3 CDs available.) This year, I've used these books during breakfast and taught more systematically through each question. Even Ruby has gotten into it! And Stella understands why "total inability" is a better explanation for man's fallen condition than "total depravity."
Is This Just a Cerebral Exercise?
The Bible teaches in Jude that the truth is something for which we have to fight in this world and even in the church. Fighting for truth presupposes we know the truth. So we act offensively and inculcate our kids in truth so they can "test and approve what God's will is." (Romans 12:2) And, we also act defensively, teaching them to stand on guard against error, protecting the truth and testimony of Christ's church.
A Mutual Help
The church has everything to do with child training. First, it helps us and our kids. Maybe you're a single parent, or married to an unbeliever, or weren't raised in a Christian home, or are just very aware of your limitations as a parent. We can rely on the church! It helps make our job of training our kids easier because we can follow its lead, set by our pastors, in what we teach our kids and how. And, we and our kids, can benefit from the help provided by the example, teaching, and input from our relationships with people in the church. We aren't alone in the task! Last, the church helps us so we can help the church. With all the competing voices of what we should and shouldn't be doing as parents, the church helps keeps us focused and clarifies the purpose for why we're training our kids in the first place - to maintain its strength and health in the generations to come. "To him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:21)
_______________________
If you need further inspiration, listen here to D.A. Carson and Voice give a fun explanation of the Westminster Cat. :)
In local churches, God uses many means to build His people up to maturity. One of the main means He uses is the preaching and teaching of His Word by our pastors and teachers to instruct us line upon line, precept upon precept. One of our pastors in college said that expositional preaching will help a person easily discern teaching that doesn't match up with the Word of God. He or she might not be able to articulate all the reasons why, but the error will be readily apparent since he or she is well taught in Scripture.
So, how does our commitment to and need for the church connect with training our children?
The Church Helps Train Our Children
Our children are also learning from what is taught at church through us as their parents reiterating it to them (Deuteronomy 6), the older men and women in the church informally training them (Titus 2), and directly from their pastors and teachers. I was reminded of what our previous pastor said (mentioned above) when we were at the hospital getting x-rays for Ruby last month. The controversial Easter "Newsweek" was prominently displayed on the side table in the waiting room. Stella saw the cover and ran over to it saying, "Jesus!" Her excitement turned to a look of bewilderment after she read the headline, "Forget the Church, Follow Jesus". I hadn't seen the magazine yet, but she came over to me and said, "Something doesn't seem quite right about this, Mom." I asked her what it said and then asked her what her problem was with the statement. She said, "Well, don't we follow Jesus by being part of the church?" Amen, Stell! The instruction she is receiving at CBC is serving her well by equipping her to discern truth from error.
Our Children Help The Church Hold To Sound Doctrine
The local church is only as strong as its members. In our suburban area, that means our church is only as strong as the families represented. A few months back, I read an article by Dr. Gerald Priest, former Church History Professor at DBTS, and another piece of the parenting puzzle came together for me. He writes:
"...local churches will only be as spiritually healthy as their families. We know from Scripture that the means of maintaining strong churches is instruction in sound doctrine (1 Timothy 4:11-16). The formal expression of that doctrine is the church's statement of faith or confession...The practical means of confessional instruction has been the catechism...Proper biblical instruction in the home [through the catechism] will reinforce what is learned in the church and help safeguard the truth [held by the church] as we indoctrinate the generation who will succeed us."Dr. Priest quotes the church father, Chrysostom, and challenges parents to "raise up a champion for Christ" and develop "a strategy for building children into devoted servants of our great God and Christ's church...training [them] in Christian doctrine."
Of course, the most foundational way to do this is using the Bible itself. But, another strategy parents have used through history in conjunction with Bible teaching and study, is the implementation of a confession of faith like the Westminster Shorter Catechism. We, as a family, have adopted this strategy for the past 5 years. We updated the Catechism slightly to be in line with our church's confession of the Baptist distinctives. It has been a helpful springboard off of which we can elaborate in handling our kids' abstract questions about God ("Does God have a body?" "No, God is a Spirit."), dealing with practical matters like calming bedtime fears ("Can you see God?" "No, I cannot see Him, but He always sees me."), and addressing their need for salvation by pointing them to Jesus ("What did Christ undertake in the covenant of grace?" "To keep the whole law for his people, and to suffer the punishment due to their sins.").
A few resources we've found helpful are the Catechism itself located here (and updated as indicated above). Some friends recommended these CDs several years back and we love all of them! (Only Volume 1 is linked to, but there are currently 3 CDs available.) This year, I've used these books during breakfast and taught more systematically through each question. Even Ruby has gotten into it! And Stella understands why "total inability" is a better explanation for man's fallen condition than "total depravity."
Is This Just a Cerebral Exercise?
The Bible teaches in Jude that the truth is something for which we have to fight in this world and even in the church. Fighting for truth presupposes we know the truth. So we act offensively and inculcate our kids in truth so they can "test and approve what God's will is." (Romans 12:2) And, we also act defensively, teaching them to stand on guard against error, protecting the truth and testimony of Christ's church.
A Mutual Help
The church has everything to do with child training. First, it helps us and our kids. Maybe you're a single parent, or married to an unbeliever, or weren't raised in a Christian home, or are just very aware of your limitations as a parent. We can rely on the church! It helps make our job of training our kids easier because we can follow its lead, set by our pastors, in what we teach our kids and how. And, we and our kids, can benefit from the help provided by the example, teaching, and input from our relationships with people in the church. We aren't alone in the task! Last, the church helps us so we can help the church. With all the competing voices of what we should and shouldn't be doing as parents, the church helps keeps us focused and clarifies the purpose for why we're training our kids in the first place - to maintain its strength and health in the generations to come. "To him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:21)
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Friday, May 04, 2012
The Capacity for Pain in Parenting
"A wise son makes a father glad, but a foolish son is a grief to his mother." Proverbs 10:1
The sobriety of this truth came to bear again upon my heart as I studied through Proverbs while I held you, our newborn son, in my arms just two short years ago. I wasn't new to the almost overwhelming responsibility that comes with parenting. When Stella was just two, I wrote here about feeling the weight of caring for her soul that would live forever. Now it was the same burden, but times three! John Kitchen, in his commentary on Proverbs, admits regarding this verse, "What capacity for pain we take on when we [first] hold our...child in our arms!"
Carolyn Mahaney, posting of A Mother's Trust, transparently confesses her biggest struggle as a parent was that she didn't trust God more. She saw her children's sins and feared how those vices might grip their hearts and play out in detrimental ways in their lives. I know I'm not alone in acknowledging my own similar battle.
I see dear Christian friends heart broken over their wayward grown children. I've heard them rehearse how they parented and try to pinpoint where they went wrong as if they were ultimately to blame for how their children turned out. I've seen them almost collapse under the grief of the foolishness of their son and/or daughter.
Honestly, all of this sometimes makes me wonder why in the world we opened ourselves up to the potential for such pain!
Because I've learned from Jesus who is the fulfillment of the loving truth that it is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35). I know how I should love because I've been shown great love even though I broke my Father's heart, caused Him unimaginable pain, grieving Him by thousands of falls. Jesus loved me to the end of Himself (John 13:1), while I was still a sinner and completely undeserving (Romans 5:8), and covered the high cost of my sin (1 John 4:10).
So this great love controls me (2 Corinthians 5:14) and compels me to love my precious children, regardless of how they reciprocate my love for them and even His love for them. I follow Jesus who gave, even if I might not receive. In doing this, I try to keep a few things in mind.
1. No matter how faithful I am to train my children in the way they should go, I must humbly remember it is not a guarantee they will not depart from it.
Dr. Sam Dawson, Professor of Biblical Hermeneutics at DBTS, helped me learn to interpret the literary genre of proverbs. Proverbs are not promises. They are wise sayings that are generally true in life. It's actually freeing to know Proverbs 22:6 isn't a set-in-stone guarantee, because I would be way too self-reliant if it were. Instead, I remain dependent on God to keep my kids from departing, and ask Him to use our hopefully diligent but still feeble, failing, insufficient attempts at training. We work hard, but pray hard, as well, since it all depends on God to make our work bear fruit in their lives. And if it comes to this, "When the harvest time is over and I still see no fruit, I will wait for You." (emphasis mine)
And you, dear ones with wayward children, can be free too from scrutinizing your past parenting failures. I have a long list of regrets only seven years into it. Our expectation is ultimately in God, not our training efforts. We all fall hopelessly short. Wait for Him.
2. What my kids need most, I can't give them. They need a new heart. A regenerated heart. A new birth. I might give them a first birth, but only God can give them a second. So, again, we pray, and wait on God.
3. I need to seek out the encouraging perspective of moms with grown kids. "[The older women] can urge the younger women to love...their children." (Titus 2:4)
A few times last month, I was encouraged greatly by what two moms at our church shared with me. One told me about her grown son and his wife becoming foster parents. She said when he was growing up she never would've dreamed he would do this important ministry. I thanked her for reminding me not to see my kids as the sum of their faults but to remember that nothing is too wonderful for the Lord! He knows the plans He has for them and is sufficient to equip them accordingly! Another mom told me how fervently she prayed her daughter through her public school years and helped her navigate being the designated driver for her friends and confrontations with sexual temptations. God kept her daughter safe, in spite of the peer pressure and teasing, and she gave her husband the gift of purity on their wedding night.
Carolyn Mahaney finished her transparent confession referenced above, with this encouragement in her book, Girl Talk:
"For every fearful peek into the future, I wish I had looked to Christ instead. For each imaginary trouble conjured up, I wish I had recalled the specific, unfailing faithfulness of God. In place of dismay and dread, I wish I had exhibited hope and joy. I wish I had approached mothering like the preacher Charles Spurgeon approached his job: 'forecasting victory, not foreboding defeat.'"
4. I need to listen to the encouraging perspective of grown children.
I loved hearing Matt talk about the instructive, edifying sermons he heard at Together for the Gospel when he came home last month. But the most encouraging thing he relayed to me, hands down, was from a panel discussion on the topic of the inerrancy of Scripture. One by one, the panelists explained from a scholarly point of view, why they each held the belief that Scripture is without error. It was John Piper's turn and the gist of his answer was, "I believe the Bible is inerrant because my mom told me it was." I was choking back tears when I heard this brilliant grown man's admission to the power of his mother's influential teaching.
As I take you again in my arms today, my bigger, wigglier, broader, heavier, ornerier 2-year-old baby boy, I will remind you how much I love you, even with all the sacrifice, risk, and potential for personal pain love entails. I will remind you that I love you enough to tell you no when you do wrong and warn you repeatedly that the way of the transgressor is hard. I will remind you that I love you enough to instruct you in wisdom's way - the way you should go - by directing you to the One in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. Those treasures are worth digging for! I will remind you that I love you enough to diligently seek to drive out the foolishness that has deep roots in your heart. And I will admit to you - although you'll soon realize it yourself - that as much as I want to be the perfect picture of biblical love to you, I am but a poor reflection of the great love I've received. So, as long as I am able, I will remind you too, that you can know perfect love. And this is how: "Jesus Christ laid down his life for us." (1 John 3:16)
Happy 2nd Birthday, to the 2nd boy who stole my heart!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
You'll Be a Good Wife: Encouragement On Your Wedding Day
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During the past 10 or so years, while some of us were busy with the blessed distraction of worldly things - like how to please our husbands - you have been busy devoting yourself to the Lord. You got those stamps on your passport and those certifications for which you studied. You've discipled women, evangelized many, mastered your French, and advocated for those in need. You've frequented hundreds of coffee shops, edited more pages than one thought humanly possible, shopped thrift stores, and simmered and stirred some fabulous soups on your stove-top. You've stumbled and you've gotten back up by the grace of God. You've feared and you've trusted. You've struggled physically and you've clung to the hope that your inner man is being renewed daily. You've paid down debt and remembered that your God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory.
Today certainly isn't the culmination of all for which you've waited. I know you'll agree that won't occur until the day you see Jesus as He is and are made to be like Him. And, of course, today isn't the stopping point of God's leading in your life. But it is a providential pause. A special time to celebrate this new season, new role, and these new responsibilities. So as we pause to observe this particular point in God's plan for your life, I have a few words of encouragement for you.
1. You'll be a good wife because you've already proven to be a faithful bride. One thing that has impressed me over the years is how important the local church is in your life. From those days in grad school when some thought they'd wait to join a church, you made it a point to identify yourself in a meaningful way with a local body of believers. You have loved the churches (meaning the people not the buildings!) of which you've been part, and with your geographical moves have made it a point to pick a church (people) first, a job second. You are always a loyal support to your pastors and church leaders. You take ownership. One thing I love is that it's your habit to refer to your church as "my church."
It isn't coincidence God uses the imagery of marriage when referencing His relationship to His people. The parallels are striking. So to you, faithful bride of Christ, I say, be faithful to Brad in the same way. Call him "my husband" with all the affection and loyalty that title embodies. Support him through the hard decisions he has to make. Let him cast the vision for your family and allow him to share his dreams with you. Then get busy accomplishing them together!
2. You'll be a good wife because you've already proven to be an empathetic friend.
An evidence of the Spirit at work in your life I've noticed these past years, is the grace God has given you to rejoice and sorrow with others. You sent me flowers on the due date of one of our miscarried babies. You bought blankets for my newborns and my favorite striped socks for my feet. :) And you've fulfilled your role of bridesmaid as if it didn't really matter if you were ever the bride.
Be that empathetic friend to Brad. Although you are one flesh, it will still be hard at times to hurt when he hurts as if you yourself were hurting. But try to. Rejoice with him over the things that bring him joy. Don't minimize what he's going through but feel what he feels deeply right along with him. This brings the unity of marriage to a whole new level and will let his heart grow to trust in you. He'll know he's safe with you. The Bible describes this in the Gospels as doing to others what you would have them do to you. And that's the perfect starting point. But don't stop there. Learn what he wants (because it might be different than what you want!) and do that for him!
3. You'll be a good wife because you've already proven to be a submissive help. It's obvious to everyone you are a competent woman. You've been formally trained in theology more than many pastors. Your mastery of the English language and the poetic way you express your thoughts are a God-given gift. Your knowledge of global crises and gospel-driven and philanthropic relief are impressive. You have not used your abilities as a way to draw attention to yourself but as a means to serve. You have used them to submit to your church leadership or those over you in your employment to help draw attention to the Giver of those gifts. You have set up adoption funds through your local church and were able to see some of your friends give precious children forever families. You have applied your theology instead of letting it grow stagnant in your brain and contentious in your heart, using it to help others by entreating, teaching, encouraging, correcting, and even keeping silent when necessary. You have written some of the most beautiful sentences I've ever read which have served in helping me strive to be better at what I do and in the way I make use of the gifts I've been given.
Be that submissive help to Brad. Make it easy for him to lead in your home. Don't intimidate him or use your skills as a means of manipulation. Make him a better husband by the way you exercise your gifts. Use your abilities in a way that helps him and doesn't make him feel like you are competing with him. Your desire will be to rule over your husband. Master that desire. Don't master him.
4. You'll be a good wife because you've already learned to hold your earthly relationships with loose hands. This last point takes me back to our final year of undergrad (1998) in Senior Study Hall. There we were (me, you, and Marica), with our heads often bowed in prayer, well-worn Bibles laid out before us, journals filled with entries expressing all God was doing in our hearts, and Christian hedonism fresh on our minds. Others looked and saw tables of wood and melamine. But we knew those tables where we sat were holy tables. God was doing business with us and we were learning from Him.
I remember catching an unintentional (honestly, it was!) glimpse at your journal one night. I saw something written at the top that I have never forgotten. You had the lyrics written out to the final verse of the hymn, "A Mighty Fortress is Our God." What I saw looked something like this:
"Let goods (house, car, books) and kindred (Mom, Dad, Josh, Matt, Luke) go
This mortal life also
The body they may kill
God's truth abideth still
His kingdom is forever."
Today, you'll add a new name to that list of kindred. You know marriage is a gift for this life only. You will be married to Christ forever, but to Brad for a vapor. If Christ doesn't return first, your relationship will eventually return to the dust from which your bodies came. So keep eternity in mind each day as you interact with Brad. Don't waste your role as a wife. It will soon be over. Obey God in this new season like you're living for a Kingdom that is forever. Your being a wife can serve God best only if you continue to be most satisfied in Him. Not your role. Not your husband. So hold tightly to Christ and loosely to Brad. To use a Piperism, love Christ most and you will love Brad best.
Friday, April 13, 2012
My T4G Line-Up
Was reminded of a Piper quote these past few days, "[Mothers] intuit good theology. They don't have time to read [it]." But thankfully, there have been some moments here and there this week to listen to good theology from T4G. Back to the gospel to help get me through.
Praising the Lord for my sister-in-law and church family, who are like family, to help us through as well. Like the girltalkers said, "[We have felt] very together with the children this week."
By God's grace, I hope to greet my husband with a refreshed spirit, matching his. But boy will we be glad to see him!!!!
Friday, April 06, 2012
The Cross: Proof of God's Love
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)
The cross absolutely silences any doubts we have about God's love for us. We see there the extent to which God will go to save us and make us right with Him. There is nothing more He could say or do to persuade us of His love.
And so the cross means everything for how we function in this life. It is a comfort in times of good providence and hard. Sinclair Ferguson explains:
[The cross] is where God demonstrates his love. I don’t know that Christ loves me because I am in the boat with him and the seas are calm. And therefore I don’t know that Christ doesn’t love me because I am in the boat with him and the seas are not calm. I know my heart will say to him, “Don’t you care that we are perishing?”[Matthew 8:23-27]Read an interview between CJ Mahaney and Sinclair Ferguson on "God's Love for Us Displayed in the Cross" here.
But with the cross I know he is saying to me, “The reason I am in the boat and the reason I am going to the cross is because I care. So my love is demonstrated towards you in this way.”
Thursday, March 29, 2012
A Housewife, Desperate for the Gospel
For the past several years we've been living in the joy of
gospel-centeredness. We've rediscovered through sermons, books, and a growing
understanding of Scripture that the gospel really isn't just for the unbeliever
but is something for the seasoned Christian too. Gospel-centeredness isn't
necessarily a new concept. Jerry Bridges says he started writing about it after
reading the Puritans. For us, it has helped us, piece by piece, reorient
our thinking on how we identify sin at its root and do battle with it in our
lives. Positively, it has involved our realizing where our hope lies, what our
motivations are for sanctification, and what our identity with Christ has to do
with all of it.
As is the case most of the time with my growth, I grasp certain truths
intellectually before I begin to flesh them out. For example, it has been easy
for me to confess that I need the gospel everyday as much as the day I first
believed it. And I do affirm that truth wholeheartedly. But if you asked me what
exactly that meant and what it looked like in my life, I wouldn't have been
able to articulate it completely. Until recently.
Our Crossroads class is winding down the study, The Gospel-Centered Life. It has
provided me with the nuts and bolts of what it looks like to apply the gospel
to my daily life and effectively address my need for it. Yesterday was one of
those days that God provided a multitude of opportunities for application.
Everything was fine in the early morning hours while I was reading my Bible
and praying. No one was opposing me and I was feeling oh so spiritual. Then I
heard creaks in the floor above me. Immediately my heart started racing - in
anger, not fear - well, maybe a little (OK, a lot) of both! Was it Matt walking
around (in my opinion, loudly) on our creaky floors? Was he going to wake up
the kids? Or worse, were the kids up already?! I tried to regain focus, but I
was too annoyed to benefit much more.
So, I came upstairs and discovered my greatest fear - the kids were indeed
awake. Being the godly wife I am (note sarcasm), I asked (which involved a
little asking mixed in with a lot of accusation...you know, trying to be
gentle, but not quite submitting to the Spirit enough to make it all the way to
gentleness) Matt if he accidentally woke up the kids. For the record he did
not, but that didn't change the fact that they were now awake and I had yet to
take a shower.
I'll spare you all the gory details, but the day was one of catastrophic
failure. As spiritual as I had felt in the early morning hours, I felt
that unspiritual as the day went on. Yes, I asked my kids to forgive me
throughout the day for losing my temper and not opening my mouth in wisdom and
kindness, but I still had issues. Big ones.
Later in the afternoon it culminated with Stella handing me a note (I can
only assume the poor girl was scared to talk to me and I don't blame her!)
saying, "I'm sorry you're having a bad day."
It was dinnertime. Matt was studying through dinner for his class that
night, so I was forced to approach God in prayer and thank Him for providing
our food for us. Instead of just intellectually confessing I needed the gospel,
every fiber of my being was crying out that I needed the gospel! In fact, I
knew I couldn't go on without it. So I stood over my kids with my head bowed
low and applied what I had been learning.
I confessed my sin. The root of my sin wasn't my anger or my words, but the
fact that I had been idolizing my own time, a quiet house, peaceful sibling
interactions, immediate obedience, and no interruptions. I wanted to have an
easy day without frustration. I loved my ideal for how the day should go rather
than God's will for me. That was my sin. I repented, turning from my sin to
Jesus, who walked through this frustrating world, full of interpersonal
problems, without sinning. I found my hope, not in my resolve to do better or
in my guilt over doing poorly, but in His perfection. He overcame the
temptations I had given into all day, and actively applied His victory to my
life. I was humbled and thankful.
My problems weren't over when I finished praying though. I knew I would be
confronted with yet another temptation - the temptation to find comfort in
something apart from Jesus. I would try to perform (put into action a
flurry of activity to make up for the way I had behaved all day) or pretend (plaster
on the plastic Christian smile that communicates, "My life is
perfect." and "Sin?! What's that?!"). But instead I stayed at
the cross knowing HE had paid for my sin and I couldn't add any works to what
He had done. His suffering for my sin was sufficient. It satisfied God. I
didn't need to try to satisfy God by paying for my own sin. Jesus' payment was
enough. I was forgiven. Period. Again humility and thankfulness flooded over
me. I abandoned my performing and pretending and basked in God's grace to me.
And that grace didn't make my attitude toward my sin a careless one. That grace
made me hate my sin for what it cost Jesus. It made me want to stay hidden in
His work for me and let His wounds provide the double cure I needed - saving me
from His wrath and making me pure.
So I continued through the night dependent on His grace, freed to obey Him!
I wish I could say yesterday was an unusual day. The truth is though, today
hasn't been much different. Yes, some days are more peaceful than others and go
somewhat according to how I plan them, but my heart has a war raging within it
that is rarely at peace. So today I find myself starting the same cycle over.
What am I idolizing that is causing me to sin? Repent. Hide myself in Jesus'
perfect life and sufficient death. Stay there. Don't try to perform or pretend.
Let His freely poured out grace be the motivation that helps me freely obey.
Repeat...repeat...repeat...until He returns or calls me home.
Your life circumstances might have you out of the home, but if you're like
me, regardless of your circumstances, there are idols your heart is embracing
and trials and temptations you're facing too. There's room at the cross for
you. Find me when you get there and we'll repent and worship together. And come
look for me if I'm not there, because I can guarantee I need to be!
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